The seven mums you meet on parenting Facebook

GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people: 

Uses Facebook as a Doctor Mum

Posts close-up photos of every disgusting rash, vile cyst or broken toenail their child gets, to ask for advice.  You’ll dread captions like ‘Maybe TMI but do these weeping warts look normal to you?’ and ‘Can anyone tell me if these are piles?’

Certified Seller Mum

Where better to promote your Aloe Vera pyramid scheme than on a forum full of tired, broke parents trapped in the house? These arseholes peddle anything from diet shakes to skincare products to herbal remedies, though what they’re really selling are ‘brilliant business opportunities’.

Spoiling For A Fight Mum

Loves a row so often starts posts with ‘no offence but’ to cause as much offence as possible. Trolls breast feeders about formula and formula feeders about breastfeeding. A massive dickhead who clearly has mummy issues.

The Other Half Hating Mum

According to this mum her husband is a bastard. He never does the washing up, he moans about being tired and once spent three hours on the toilet ‘like he was f**king royalty or something’. She uses ‘cockwomble’ a lot and often jokes about murdering him.

Crazeee Mumee

‘Sorry to go OT!’ she posts, after a photo of a pissing alpaca in a thread about nits. Best known for hilarious baby memes and ‘describe your left bum cheek using only a gif’ posts.Uses chiefly emojis and photos of Tom Hardy topless captioned ‘you’re welcome, ladies’.

Mother Earth

Means well but her evangelical endorsement of cloth nappies, reusable baby wipes and organic homemade outfits makes everyone else feel a bit guilty. Posts photos of her kids playing with wooden toys and nature and coconut oil is her answer to everything.

The Dramamama

If not threatening to leave, she’s definitely messaging admin framing any minor disagreement as ‘toxic conflict’. Screenshots every post by anyone arguing with her as ‘evidence’. When she finally leaves it will be with a 1,000 word parting shot nobody reads.

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The Greenpeace guide to making a great point in the worst way possible

AS A Greenpeace activist I’m saving the earth any way I can, even if that means crashing into France vs Germany like a reckless wanker. Here’s how you can undermine your arguments: 

Interrupt a sporting fixture

It’s been a very long year and Euro 2020 is offering a bit of light relief, so why not ruin everyone’s fun by dropping in on a paraglider? Even if you floated by and showered the crowd with 100 Euro notes the crowd would chant for you to piss off.

Get the timing wrong

Just like comedy, it’s all about timing. If, say, you drifted down into an international football game too early you could easily be edited out of the broadcast and nobody would give a shit about your anti-Volkswagen protest. I learnt this the hard way.

Injure innocent people

Everyone’s aware that sucking oil out of the ground is bad, so think outside the box if you want them to treat you with contempt. Getting tangled in camera wires and hospitalising innocent people ought to do it, although dooming the environment in the process.

Invite cries of hypocrisy

Using double standards scuppers even the most morally upstanding of stunts. In my experience, protesting against oil while flying a contraption that armchair critics will believe is fuelled by petrol will take out your statement at the knees. Like rocking up at an anti-capitalist rally in a gold limo.

F**k up every stage of your delivery

If you make one or two errors you might be able to brush them under the carpet, so make sure your worthy argument is a total clusterf**k from top to bottom. I suggest botching your original idea, hastily resorting to a disastrous Plan B, then needlessly putting lives at risk. On the other hand the French bombed Rainbow Warrior so they’re still the twats here.