GOT children? Desperate to not be suffering alone? Then you’ve visited a parenting group on Facebook and met these people:
Uses Facebook as a Doctor Mum
Posts close-up photos of every disgusting rash, vile cyst or broken toenail their child gets, to ask for advice. You’ll dread captions like ‘Maybe TMI but do these weeping warts look normal to you?’ and ‘Can anyone tell me if these are piles?’
Certified Seller Mum
Where better to promote your Aloe Vera pyramid scheme than on a forum full of tired, broke parents trapped in the house? These arseholes peddle anything from diet shakes to skincare products to herbal remedies, though what they’re really selling are ‘brilliant business opportunities’.
Spoiling For A Fight Mum
Loves a row so often starts posts with ‘no offence but’ to cause as much offence as possible. Trolls breast feeders about formula and formula feeders about breastfeeding. A massive dickhead who clearly has mummy issues.
The Other Half Hating Mum
According to this mum her husband is a bastard. He never does the washing up, he moans about being tired and once spent three hours on the toilet ‘like he was f**king royalty or something’. She uses ‘cockwomble’ a lot and often jokes about murdering him.
‘Sorry to go OT!’ she posts, after a photo of a pissing alpaca in a thread about nits. Best known for hilarious baby memes and ‘describe your left bum cheek using only a gif’ posts.Uses chiefly emojis and photos of Tom Hardy topless captioned ‘you’re welcome, ladies’.
Means well but her evangelical endorsement of cloth nappies, reusable baby wipes and organic homemade outfits makes everyone else feel a bit guilty. Posts photos of her kids playing with wooden toys and nature and coconut oil is her answer to everything.
If not threatening to leave, she’s definitely messaging admin framing any minor disagreement as ‘toxic conflict’. Screenshots every post by anyone arguing with her as ‘evidence’. When she finally leaves it will be with a 1,000 word parting shot nobody reads.