EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys:
The Loud
Original, and best. Whether they’re playing red-hot tracks through a Bluetooth speaker, taking smarmy work calls with a dull-as-f**k colleague, or simply watching anime on their phone, you’ll enjoy every word, bassline or foreign language.
The Drunk
Appears in several incarnations: stag do, hen do, football twats, festival returnees – the form is constantly being reinvented, like Doctor Who. There’s only one time it’s acceptable to be drunk on a train, when it’s you, but the drunk will remind you what a unique gift pissed-up company is.
The Eaters
Just as The Loud delight your ears, The Eaters assault your sense of smell. With a rustle of a packet your commute’s spiced up with the smell of fast food from a range of the nearest-the-station outlets, saved exclusively for trains where the windows don’t open. Because you love the stench of onion rings that much.
The Couples
Couples in love love to travel together and to share their love with you, a stranger who’s joined them at the table seat they were hoping to keep for themselves. From snogging to a passive-aggressive argument about why he’s so friendly to her mate Georgia, they’re there to prove they care.
The Equipped
Luggage comes in all shapes and sizes. Whether suitcases, mountain bikes, a guitar or a vintage grandfather clock, the Equipped have put it in your very seat. It will be indignantly moved but every bruise and every sly glare you receive will linger for months to come.
The Friendly
These passengers know that there’s nothing worse than a train carriage filled with nothing but silence and fresh, cool air. They know you’re crying out for someone to sit opposite you spontaneously imparting an extended history of their life and loves. Make sure to give them your mobile number!
