The six twats that love to sit in your train carriage

EVER think that irritating twats deliberately sit in your train carriage? Yeah, they do. Here’s the line-up of rail companions for your next 100 journeys: 

The Loud

Original, and best. Whether they’re playing red-hot tracks through a Bluetooth speaker, taking smarmy work calls with a dull-as-f**k colleague, or simply watching anime on their phone, you’ll enjoy every word, bassline or foreign language.

The Drunk

Appears in several incarnations: stag do, hen do, football twats, festival returnees – the form is constantly being reinvented, like Doctor Who. There’s only one time it’s acceptable to be drunk on a train, when it’s you, but the drunk will remind you what a unique gift pissed-up company is.

The Eaters

Just as The Loud delight your ears, The Eaters assault your sense of smell. With a rustle of a packet your commute’s spiced up with the smell of fast food from a range of the nearest-the-station outlets, saved exclusively for trains where the windows don’t open. Because you love the stench of onion rings that much.

The Couples

Couples in love love to travel together and to share their love with you, a stranger who’s joined them at the table seat they were hoping to keep for themselves. From snogging to a passive-aggressive argument about why he’s so friendly to her mate Georgia, they’re there to prove they care.

The Equipped

Luggage comes in all shapes and sizes. Whether suitcases, mountain bikes, a guitar or a vintage grandfather clock, the Equipped have put it in your very seat. It will be indignantly moved but every bruise and every sly glare you receive will linger for months to come.

The Friendly

These passengers know that there’s nothing worse than a train carriage filled with nothing but silence and fresh, cool air. They know you’re crying out for someone to sit opposite you spontaneously imparting an extended history of their life and loves. Make sure to give them your mobile number!

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Batman doesn't do oral and Superman can't get it up – the surprising sex lives of the super heroes

BATMAN’S publishers have confirmed that he refuses to perform oral sex on his partners. And according to comics nerd Tom Booker, that’s just the beginning: 

Batman won’t go down

To begin with the obvious: of course he doesn’t. That’s not because he’s a selfish lover but for practical reasons; women famously take ages to orgasm and who knows what Bat-signals could be missed while Vicki Vale’s thighs are clamped over his ears? Gotham City must come first.

Superman can’t get it up

Superman’s kryptonite isn’t kryptonite but erectile dysfunction. Any man of his age, alien superbeing or not, will be deprived of his powers in the bedroom eventually. Of course it bothers Lois Lane, but like most long-term couples she’s learned to live with it by wanking furiously while he’s out fighting Brainiac.

The Hulk is a gentle, caring lover

Contrary to popular belief, one area where Hulk doesn’t smash is the bedroom. Even when Bruce Banner is hulked out and green he’s an amazingly tender lover who puts the needs of his partner first. The explicit love scenes Stan Lee put in early issues were sadly censored because society prefers violence.

Spider-Man roleplays as other heroes

Peter Parker has always had something of an inferiority complex. So when he’s in the bedroom he capes up as other heroes: genius of love Tony Stark, never-misses-the-mark Hawkeye, and Wonder Woman. He has a closet of outfits and trash-talks his own identity while in character. This isn’t something the Marvel films have dared tackle yet.

Rocket Raccoon humps Groot’s leg

The bond between the walking tree and the talking rodent? Sex. Rocket finds fulfilment by grinding himself on Groot’s leg and his partner doesn’t mind a bit, even saying ‘Groot’ to help speed the climax. Rumour is he’s going to try it on Thor’s hammer in the next movie.

Harley Quinn’s a coulrophiliac

Means she’s got a clown fetish. To be honest that’s not really a secret. It’s in all the films.