'What the f**k am I watching?': Ofcom's actual findings about GB News

OFCOM says GB News breached impartiality rules, but it’s hard to believe that was their only finding after watching hours of unadulterated shit. Here are their actual comments.

‘Who’s that slimy bastard?’

Not, as you might expect, a reference to Nigel Farage, but instead Reform’s Richard Tice. Ofcom found that Tice was not ‘sufficiently challenged’ on immigration by the interviewer, former Brexit MEP Martin Daubney. Oh come on, Ofcom. The only question one Brexiter is likely to ask another about asylum seekers is: ‘Run them over with destroyers or mine the beaches?’

‘She looks vaguely familiar.’

That’s Michelle Dewberry, who won The Apprentice in 2006 and filled the empty years since with failed attempts to become an MP for Reform. She at least looks the part of a TV news presenter, until she starts presenting. Remember the bullshit story about a school pupil identifying as a cat? Michelle decided the best way to cover it was to wear cat ears and draw on whiskers, presumably to mock transgender people and… children? Strangely, you don’t see Victoria Derbyshire doing that.

‘What the f**k am I watching?’ 

Fixing GB News’ ‘teething troubles’ hasn’t helped much as it still resembles a project by GCSE video production students where they make a TV programme as part of their coursework. The sort of students who’ll be working for Deliveroo in the future, not Channel 4 News.

‘Is that wanker Laurence Fox coming back?’

Hard to say – his misogynistic comments would get you permanently fired from actual news outlets, but this is GB News. Dan Wootton is a different matter because those accusations are a lot more serious than ageing right-wing ‘rebel’ Loz threatening not to sleep with you. Oh the trauma of that not happening, right, ladies?

‘Imagine the twats who watch this.’

Indeed. Anyone with a functioning brain will quickly get bored with the same, endlessly-repeated, right-wing talking points. This suggests the main audience is either vindictive old pensioners who keep forgetting what they saw ten minutes ago, and dimwitted Telegraph readers who could listen to people slagging off Sadiq Khan all day. Because of ULEZ, obviously. Not the other thing.

‘Make us a 30p meal, Lee.’

MP Lee Anderson is of course a presenter, getting handsomely paid to be himself, ie. a f**king twat. Lee is known for claiming feckless dole scum can easily make meals for 30p a day. It’s a shame GB News doesn’t have a cookery show where he makes these recipes. And if he doesn’t want to eat his own budget meal of, say, boiled turnips and Marmite, force it down his smug face with a plunger.

‘Is there an actual production manager?’

Even the GB News sets are hilariously bad. On one occasion Lee Anderson sat at a table while his guest, Novara Media leftie Michael Walker, was forced to sit at another table much too far away, so it resembled two strangers in an empty pub sharing a few jokey comments but not wishing to sit together. Professionalism at its very best.

‘Didn’t the hairy one used to be on Coast?’

Where have you been for the past three years? In a New World Order re-education camp? Yes, that’s Neil Oliver. Recounting his descent into madness would be as repetitive as GB News itself, but he’s still pushing vaccine conspiracies for rubes to waste their lives with. Recently he seems to have moved onto climate change denial, so in the unlikely event that the BBC invites him back there’ll be less coasts for him to walk along in a ‘trendy uncle’ scarf.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Six things you won't learn from the Britney book you wish you could

BRITNEY Spears’ book The Woman In Me is a fascinating indictment of the pressures of stardom, by all accounts. But there are some details you wish she would clear up.

What did she see in Justin Timberlake?

It must have been a bit weird going out with the boy she grew up in the Mickey Mouse Club with, like starting a serious relationship with your primary school ‘boyfriend’. And that’s without mentioning that he had a stupid bleached corkscrew perm, an embarrassing ‘blaccent’ and was a serial cheater. It does start to look as if the only thing Justin had going for him was being a good dancer.

Was that red latex catsuit a pain in the arse to get on and off?

The catsuit Britney wore in the video for Oops!… I Did It Again was instantly iconic and made a million teenage boys feel a bit funny in the groin region. But what we want to know now is whether it slipped on and off easily or whether it made loud farting noises as she tried in vain to pull it over her knees. Sadly, this question remains unanswered.

And what the f**k was with that Titanic reference in the middle of the song?

Another pressing query about Oops!… is why the hell it had an anomalous reference to the coeur de la mer necklace from Titanic shoehorned into it? Was it a genre-busting, self-referential comment on the nature of pop-culture phenomena? Or just an easy way to jump on the Titanic bandwagon? Probably the latter, but we’ll never really know.

Why all the double denim?

Britney has the misfortune to become famous at the turn of the century, when fashion travesties such as handkerchief tops, low-rise jeans and leather skirts were fashionable. She really leaned into the awfulness by going mad for double denim outfits, which usually matched with Justin Timberlake’s. Even allowing for the hideous looks of the time, it was bad.

Is Madonna a good kisser?

Madge loves to cause a stir, and she got Britney in on the act in 2003 when they had a kiss during a performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Is Madonna good at snogging or is her sexy image just a big act and she’s got the charisma and moves of a dead fish? Sadly, Britney doesn’t go into details on this matter.

Is getting married in Vegas a laugh?

Getting married is a massive faff, so it’s easy to see the appeal of eloping to Vegas to tie the knot. But is going to a tacky chapel run by a weirdo in a bad Elvis wig a fun and romantic or tacky and hollow experience? To be fair, Britney has admitted that she got hitched to Jason Alexander because she was ‘very drunk’ and ‘bored’ so maybe she has cleared this one up after all.