OFCOM says GB News breached impartiality rules, but it’s hard to believe that was their only finding after watching hours of unadulterated shit. Here are their actual comments.
‘Who’s that slimy bastard?’
Not, as you might expect, a reference to Nigel Farage, but instead Reform’s Richard Tice. Ofcom found that Tice was not ‘sufficiently challenged’ on immigration by the interviewer, former Brexit MEP Martin Daubney. Oh come on, Ofcom. The only question one Brexiter is likely to ask another about asylum seekers is: ‘Run them over with destroyers or mine the beaches?’
‘She looks vaguely familiar.’
That’s Michelle Dewberry, who won The Apprentice in 2006 and filled the empty years since with failed attempts to become an MP for Reform. She at least looks the part of a TV news presenter, until she starts presenting. Remember the bullshit story about a school pupil identifying as a cat? Michelle decided the best way to cover it was to wear cat ears and draw on whiskers, presumably to mock transgender people and… children? Strangely, you don’t see Victoria Derbyshire doing that.
‘What the f**k am I watching?’
Fixing GB News’ ‘teething troubles’ hasn’t helped much as it still resembles a project by GCSE video production students where they make a TV programme as part of their coursework. The sort of students who’ll be working for Deliveroo in the future, not Channel 4 News.
‘Is that wanker Laurence Fox coming back?’
Hard to say – his misogynistic comments would get you permanently fired from actual news outlets, but this is GB News. Dan Wootton is a different matter because those accusations are a lot more serious than ageing right-wing ‘rebel’ Loz threatening not to sleep with you. Oh the trauma of that not happening, right, ladies?
‘Imagine the twats who watch this.’
Indeed. Anyone with a functioning brain will quickly get bored with the same, endlessly-repeated, right-wing talking points. This suggests the main audience is either vindictive old pensioners who keep forgetting what they saw ten minutes ago, and dimwitted Telegraph readers who could listen to people slagging off Sadiq Khan all day. Because of ULEZ, obviously. Not the other thing.
‘Make us a 30p meal, Lee.’
MP Lee Anderson is of course a presenter, getting handsomely paid to be himself, ie. a f**king twat. Lee is known for claiming feckless dole scum can easily make meals for 30p a day. It’s a shame GB News doesn’t have a cookery show where he makes these recipes. And if he doesn’t want to eat his own budget meal of, say, boiled turnips and Marmite, force it down his smug face with a plunger.
‘Is there an actual production manager?’
Even the GB News sets are hilariously bad. On one occasion Lee Anderson sat at a table while his guest, Novara Media leftie Michael Walker, was forced to sit at another table much too far away, so it resembled two strangers in an empty pub sharing a few jokey comments but not wishing to sit together. Professionalism at its very best.
‘Didn’t the hairy one used to be on Coast?’
Where have you been for the past three years? In a New World Order re-education camp? Yes, that’s Neil Oliver. Recounting his descent into madness would be as repetitive as GB News itself, but he’s still pushing vaccine conspiracies for rubes to waste their lives with. Recently he seems to have moved onto climate change denial, so in the unlikely event that the BBC invites him back there’ll be less coasts for him to walk along in a ‘trendy uncle’ scarf.