Middleton Calls For Abolition Of The Monarchy

JILTED royal girlfriend Kate Middleton is to campaign for the abolition of the monarchy and the establishment of a British republic.

Middleton is to set up a grassroots movement calling for a new UK constitution and has already attracted the support of songwriter Billy Bragg and former Labour leader Michael Foot.

"It may look like the spiteful reaction of someone who's just been dumped, but actually Kate has been planning this for years," said Bragg.

"Everyone thought she was studying art history at St Andrews, even William. But actually she was really into radical politics and stuff like that."

An early draft of Middleton's campaign strategy reveals that she has nothing against the Prince and will "always care about him" but believes he is too "selfish and insensitive" and would "make a rubbish king anyway".

According to the strategy document: 

  • The monarchy is an archaic institution which perpetuates a divided society and forgets people's birthdays two years in a row.

  • A democratically elected head-of-state would be more representative and would know what my favourite film is.

  • You cannot position yourself as the Supreme Governor of the Church of England and be looking at my friend's breasts.
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Exams Force Alexander To Quit Labour Campaign

SCOTTISH Secretary Douglas Alexander has been ordered to quit Labour's Holyrood election campaign and concentrate on revising for his Highers.

Alexander's parents told the cabinet minister that 'enough was enough' and it was time to grow up and think about his future.

"They're right," Alexander, 16, told the Daily Mash. "Being in the Labour Party and running the Scotland Office is a really interesting hobby but I have to admit it's never going to turn into a proper job.

"I've got to buckle down and get the best results I can. After that it's Edinburgh University, here I come! Fingers crossed anyway."

Alexander's parents said they did not want him to give up all is hobbies and were happy for him to continue with his weekly game of Dungeons and Dragons.

"I'm a 10th level wizard with over 5000 realm points," said Alexander. "You don't just walk away from something like that."