People Not Utter Morons, Suggests Report

ALMOST all Britons are not witless baboons incapable of managing their own affairs, a new report claims today.

According to the research nearly everyone in the country is not on the verge of gambling themselves into bankruptcy and a life of horror and degradation.

At the same time virtually no one seems compelled after a single game of internet poker to sell their house and force their children into prostitution to pay for their spiralling addiction.

A spokesman for Gordon Brown said the report’s findings were “alarming and deeply disturbing” and a source of major concern at the highest levels of government.

He said: “If this research is correct then nearly 99.4% of the British population are not totally bumbling fucknuts who are incapable of running their lives without constant interference from an overbearing government. Surely that can’t be right?

“What is the point of having a Parliament stuffed full of highly paid MPs passing all these laws preventing people from doing things if the people then just go off and don’t do them of their own accord? Are they trying to put us all out of a job?”

Dr Bill McKay, professor of behavioural studies at Dundee University, said he was astonished to discover that virtually no one in the study was a “completely hopeless dipstick”.

He said: “We even looked at really poor people who everyone knows are stupid, and the vast majority of them seemed perfectly capable of having a beer and a fag and a trip to the bookies or the bingo hall without instantly becoming drug addicted muggers. Frankly I was amazed.”

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Mourinho Quits After Sushi Offer

FORMER Chelsea boss Jose Mourinho has quit the club after his Russian employers offered to discuss his contract over sushi.

Mourinho said he knew his position was untenable when the club's billionaire owner Roman Abramovich suggested lunch at the Itsu restaurant in Picadilly.

Mourinho said: "He tell me I am to meet his friend Boris. At first I think this okay. Boris is good guy, used to work for civil service in Russia, has big scar across right eye and tooth made of bullet. Always has good joke about Arse.

"But I think I no like uncooked salmon. And the little green bits – I don't even know what they are.

"I think maybes I suggest nice Italian place or maybes for once we go Camden and have Portuguese, given I been here three flippin' years.

"But he insist. He say must be special sushi bar where they serve special hot, hot dish with very expensive ingredient.

"I say 'look, I am special one and no-one tell special one where to have lunch'. I say we go Pizza Express on Fulham Road or I walk."

The Itsu chain is popular with London's rich expatriate Russian community who enjoy the exquisite Japanese raw fish platters, the colourful salads and the incredibly high levels of polonium in the gentlemen's lavatory.

Mourinho added: "I tell Boris. He very disappointed and say he hope my successor will like wasabi. Funny guy."