Pub fruit machine dreamt of being vending machine in leisure centre

A FRUIT machine in a Hull pub never wanted to end up like this, it has admitted. 

Darts-themed fruit machine Golden Arrows, situated by the door to the toilets in The Sportsman, has confessed to feeling unfulfilled, frustrated and ashamed of its status.

It said: “I always envisaged myself in a little nook between the squash courts and the swimming pool, the scent of chlorine and Lynx in the air, dispensing sports drinks. You know?

“Instead I’m here, reeking of cigarettes and Carling, being punched in the nudge buttons by chavs in tracksuits chasing a cheap thrill.

“I wanted an honest, honourable life exchanging goods for cash. I wouldn’t even let bags of Nik Naks get caught on the spiral. Instead I’m robbing the poverty-stricken blind.

“My whole family were leisure centre vending machines. My great-grandfather was the first ever machine to sell Powerade.

“And here’s me, never even paid out the jackpot because the landlord’s wedged a screwdriver in my back.”

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'My main job is blocking the road' admits Ocado driver

AN OCADO delivery driver has admitted that his job is largely to obstruct residential streets for indefinite periods. 

Tom Booker, speaking from his 3.5 tonne box van in the middle of a suburban close in front of several homeowners desperate to get out, confirmed that delivering groceries is a mere excuse for his key role.

He continued: “We trick people by offering easy, simple home delivery then load a paltry few crates into a massive van far too big for the road we’re visiting.

“Then we park across the road and pavement in order to inconvenience both drivers and pedestrians, but it’s fine because we leave our hazards on.

“Of course we know full well we’ll be at least ten minutes. The plastic bag ban’s really helped us in that regard, and substituting a box of fish fingers for a six-pound sea bass guarantees a fairly solid row.

Ocado chief executive Julian Cook said: “Our loss-making home delivery service was founded to stop people just trying to get around their own neighbourhood.

“The fact that people also pay us for the food we deliver is neither here or there.”