10 dating app opening lines to f**k things up before you get started

A GOOD opening line on a dating app can be the difference between getting lucky and dying alone. Try not to bollocks it up with one of these openers.

Fancy a f**k?

Although this is the question you’re both dancing around as you tediously ask about favourite holiday destinations and whether they’re a cat person or a dog person, it’s pretty unromantic. You may as well type, ‘How do you feel about helping me ejaculate?’

Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you. 

It’s a lot quicker to tap out ‘I am an idiot’.

Be honest, what made you click on me? 

Honest answers would be: ‘You look available because you’re not too good-looking’, ‘Your salary’ and ‘You’re the spitting image of my ex’. Don’t invite honesty into a relationship before you’re at a stage where you’re both trapped.

What’s your spirit animal?

No, just no. Any mention of the Zodiac, homoeopathy or Wicca reveals you’re a scatty loser holding your messy life together with the sticking plasters of self-help and New Age bollocks.

How do you feel about kids?

Refusing to commit is bad, but ‘Whoa I’m out of here’ is probably the sensible response here. Even the most kid-friendly bloke is going to think twice about being stuck raising four kids with a desperate stranger. Hear that rustling sound? That’s a willy shrivelling up.


There’s keeping things simple and there’s keeping things so characterless and boring the person will probably conclude that dying alone is a risk worth taking compared to going on a single dull-as-f**k date with you. 

My favourite band’s Nirvana, what’s yours?

Rookie mistake! Never give away your preferences first. Ask them what films/foods/sexual positions they favour then pretend you like them too if they’re hot. Also gives you a chance to bale if they like tofu and Coldplay.

Your smile is like Expelliarmus: disarming

All references to Harry Potter are a terrible mistake. 

Can I **** you in the ****** with a ******** dressed as **** *****? 

It’s good to be candid and upfront about your desires, but however boring it is it’s normal to find out a few basic things about your potential date like their job. Save your kinks for after a good few drinks. And don’t go into proctological detail over your gastropub sausage and mash. 

You might remember me from school?

It’s better to assume a new identity than remind them you were some spod from sixth form. No matter how hot you’ve become, they’ll only be able to picture you covered in acne and parping out notes on your trumpet like a twat in the school orchestra.

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Inside a man's wank bank: A psychologist gives a guided tour

DID you know the wank bank in men’s heads can be navigated like a ‘mind castle’? Here psychologist Dr Donna Sheridan takes you inside a typical man’s masturbatory archives.

The obvious wanks hallway

The entrance to the wank bank contains the most predictable wanking material: Pamela Anderson, Emily Ratajkowski and Rihanna. Like your hallway at home, no one spends much time in it.

The teenage self-abuse living room

Here you’ll find everyone from a fit drama student in a 1988 production of The Tempest on a school trip, to a random model in a shower in the Argos catalogue. It’s f**king relentless: Mrs Palmer the distractingly cute Maths teacher, Rachel Hughes from 3JW in dodgy gym kit, Kate O’Mara in the opening credits of Triangle. It’s a miracle your wanked-out brain could remember what terminal moraine was.

The IKEA nerd wanks storage unit 

The living room may also contain an imaginary flatpack shelf/drawer unit. Open it and you’ll find tragically nerdy wank fantasies: Judge Anderson, Saavik, both Galadriels and, somewhat worryingly, the featureless EVE robot from WALL-E.

The Billie Piper dog basket 

Not in any way implying that Billie is unattractive, just that she’s a loveable, ever-faithful presence in the wank bank.

The upmarket wank fodder conservatory 

This traditional conservatory stores totally unattainable women: Keira Knightley, Helena Bonham Carter, Liz Hurley, Kate Beckinsale, Charlotte Rampling. Even so it’s wise not to sit down, the rattan sofa is a bit sticky.

The stairs

Just stairs. Even a mental construct needs a way of getting between floors.

The 90s lad’s mag bedroom

Full of surprisingly clear 1990s lad’s mag memories: Lucy Pinder, Natalie Appleton, Kirsty Gallacher. Unfortunately you’ll be put off your stroke by wondering what happened to Kathy Lloyd.

The co-workers bathroom

Wanking material accrued from endless crap jobs. Contains the odd real-life ex, but mainly memories of the one super-attractive co-worker who smashed all her male colleagues’ pathetic fantasies into a million tiny pieces when she brought her preternaturally good-looking fiance on £300k a year to the office Christmas party.

The ex-girlfriend spare bedroom

Like a real spare room, this is incredibly handy to have, either for guests, storing old computer equipment, or providing highly detailed wank material. 

The deepest fantasies main bedroom 

Turn left after the id on the landing, and you’ll find yourself in the dark heart of the wank bank. Here the most private fantasies lurk: rescuing Janet Ellis from Mr Noseybonk, Taylor Swift in Cats, the naked woman from the painting The Wings of Love. Shit, is that Maid Marian the cartoon fox from the 1973 Disney film Robin Hood? Yes. Yes it is. Time to leave.