A GOOD opening line on a dating app can be the difference between getting lucky and dying alone. Try not to bollocks it up with one of these openers.
Fancy a f**k?
Although this is the question you’re both dancing around as you tediously ask about favourite holiday destinations and whether they’re a cat person or a dog person, it’s pretty unromantic. You may as well type, ‘How do you feel about helping me ejaculate?’
Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you.
It’s a lot quicker to tap out ‘I am an idiot’.
Be honest, what made you click on me?
Honest answers would be: ‘You look available because you’re not too good-looking’, ‘Your salary’ and ‘You’re the spitting image of my ex’. Don’t invite honesty into a relationship before you’re at a stage where you’re both trapped.
What’s your spirit animal?
No, just no. Any mention of the Zodiac, homoeopathy or Wicca reveals you’re a scatty loser holding your messy life together with the sticking plasters of self-help and New Age bollocks.
How do you feel about kids?
Refusing to commit is bad, but ‘Whoa I’m out of here’ is probably the sensible response here. Even the most kid-friendly bloke is going to think twice about being stuck raising four kids with a desperate stranger. Hear that rustling sound? That’s a willy shrivelling up.
There’s keeping things simple and there’s keeping things so characterless and boring the person will probably conclude that dying alone is a risk worth taking compared to going on a single dull-as-f**k date with you.
My favourite band’s Nirvana, what’s yours?
Rookie mistake! Never give away your preferences first. Ask them what films/foods/sexual positions they favour then pretend you like them too if they’re hot. Also gives you a chance to bale if they like tofu and Coldplay.
Your smile is like Expelliarmus: disarming
All references to Harry Potter are a terrible mistake.
Can I **** you in the ****** with a ******** dressed as **** *****?
It’s good to be candid and upfront about your desires, but however boring it is it’s normal to find out a few basic things about your potential date like their job. Save your kinks for after a good few drinks. And don’t go into proctological detail over your gastropub sausage and mash.
You might remember me from school?
It’s better to assume a new identity than remind them you were some spod from sixth form. No matter how hot you’ve become, they’ll only be able to picture you covered in acne and parping out notes on your trumpet like a twat in the school orchestra.