10 surprisingly good reasons not to have sex before marriage

EVEN in 2022 people are still choosing not to have sex before marriage. Instead of scoffing, let’s be open-minded and assess the benefits of this sexually frustrating lifestyle choice.

You’ll save a fortune. The average singleton spends thousands in bars and clubs trying to get laid. You’ll save the deposit on a house in no time, apart from a sizeable monthly outlay on tissues. 

You can be crap in bed (men). Once you’re married your partner is stuck with you and your blink-and-you-miss-it lovemaking. You’re guaranteed to come, so it’s a pretty sweet deal. Until your wife starts banging the Sainsbury’s delivery guy, which makes returning overripe bananas even more awkward.

You can be crap in bed (women). Your sexual unadventurousness and/or laziness is no longer a problem. Admittedly your husband might have an affair, but judging by recent history most men will content themselves with MILF porn and a packet of Hobnobs.

No relationship grief. While you’re single there’ll be no arguments, no jealousy, not even any boring discussions about whether to get a mixer tap. Unfortunately after ten years of this sexless utopia a normal relationship will seem like a snake pit of hatred and tension and you’ll be forced to live and die a lonely hermit.

Your sexual performance cannot be judged. If you’re both virgins there’s nothing to compare it with. A minute of joyless mechanical pumping or a blowjob once every two years makes you the greatest lover of all time.

No condoms. Condoms are a massive hassle, so committing to the same person until you die is a small price to pay. You’ll spend years prior to that wanking unsatisfyingly, but at least it’s ‘bareback’.

It’s educational. Sex before marriage was forbidden during much of history, so it’s a great way to learn about the past. Mainly you’ll learn that people were incredibly sexually frustrated. And that Pride and Prejudice should have included many, many scenes of ‘rubbin’ the nubbin’.

Sex is dirty and frightening. Obviously this is an unhealthy mental hang-up and you should get counselling. As a quick fix though, it’s hard to deny just not having sex works.

You won’t go to Hell. You can’t prove a negative, so there’s a tiny chance that God might exist and punish you for extramarital sex. Abstinence reduces this risk to zero. Unfortunately God is notoriously bad at unambiguous communication. Maybe he wanted us to have sex with cocker spaniels, and now only a handful of perverts are going to Heaven.   

There’s a great social life. For men there’s the chance to meet like-minded guys and chat online or go for a beer. These people are known as ‘incels’ and will give you some great ideas for repulsive neck beards.

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The posh person's guide to killing things for fun

WHILE we peasants go to the pub or watch TV for entertainment, posh people like to murder small, unarmed creatures. Here’s what you need to know if you want to join the hunting set.


They’re like cars, but crap all over the place and don’t have any cup holders or storage space. Use them to sit on and race around the countryside. A secret rule of fox hunting is that you get extra points for trampling people’s back gardens.


Ditch the Vans, Adidas and Superdry and dress head-to-toe in tweed, topping it off with a wax jacket and trousers tucked into knee-length socks. You might think you look ridiculous, and you’d be right. Think of it as a British version of The Purge, without the risk of a grouse pulling out a 9mm automatic.

Flat caps

Utterly pointless, neither keeping your head warm nor keeping off rain, but essential if you’re going shooting or a bullshit Guy Ritchie character, eg. ‘Cheese Grater Chas’.


The smaller your penis, the more expensive a shotgun you need to compensate. Expect to spend up to £5,000 if you’ve got a three-incher, but smaller than that, up to £100,000 for a vintage Purdey. The same rule applies to the vehicle you turn up in. Ladies need not expect too much from a toff with a Range Rover the size of a WW2 Panzer.


It might seem cruel to blast pheasants out of the sky, but as a species they love living life on the edge, and savour every moment of their short, precious lives before a tubby, red-faced hedge fund manager called Tarquin or Quentin ends it.


Despite what Roald Dahl says about them, foxes aren’t fantastic – they’re evil half-cat, half-dog creatures who wear waistcoats and steal cider. The Labour Party banned hunting them with hounds in 2005, but luckily for hunters, the law only applies if you get caught.


Beaters are poor rural people who tramp about scaring pheasants out of the undergrowth so you can take a pop at them. You might accidentally shoot the odd one, but generations of grovelling class deference will cause them to apologise to you for wasting good lead shot.

Animal rights activists

One thing sure to put a dampener on your fun is mask-wearing oiks bleating about animal cruelty. Don’t worry – they’re just jealous because they’re poor and can’t afford a horse due to frittering all their money on cannabis. Also they provide their own sport as they get chased and beaten to a pulp by ‘hunt supporters’, ie. ‘local thugs’.