48-year-old stops ageing entirely by pursuing women in their 20s

A MAN who would otherwise be quite old has stopped the ageing process in its tracks by only pursuing much younger women.

Stephen Malley, 48, was concerned about ageing and eventually dying until he located a fountain of youth in the form of women who have no memories of the 1990s.

Malley explained: “I’ve never felt younger. People say things like ‘she’s young enough to be your daughter’ but that’s the whole point, I need to feed off her abundant life force.

“Sure, I’ve got more in common with women my own age, like knowing where we were on 9/11, but who wants to talk about that? Also their sagging, withered faces remind me of myself. That and the unforgiving march of time that will devour us all.

“In contrast my current partner Lucy is gorgeous, pert, and keeps me young with words like ‘rizz’ and references to people like Charli D’Amelio. Constantly having to Google what she’s talking about keeps my brain alert.

“Like a vampire I’ll sap her youth and if she starts talking about having children I’ll have to find a younger model. Nothing personal, Luce, it’s just that kids would drain all the extra life energy I’ve stored up.”

Malley’s partner Lucy Parry said: “Sure he’s got wrinkles on his eyes like my granddad, but at least I know Stephen won’t be out shagging other girls because his bedtime is 9pm. Also, he pays for all my stuff.

“I don’t mind the vampire bit because vampires are cool. And to be honest I did suck his current account dry yesterday on a shopping trip.”

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Jenrick leaves Britain for Rwanda

IMMIGRATION minister Robert Jenrick has quit the cabinet and Britain for the ‘earthly paradise’ of Rwanda.

Jenrick has been studying the central African country while drafting legislation and admitted he has fallen in love with a country he describes as ‘where heaven touches earth’.

He said: “After an all-nighter disapplying human rights law, I said ‘I don’t know why they’re making such a fuss. I’d move there like a shot.’ Then I realised bloody hell, I meant that.

“It’s not just the spectacular mountains, the rolling savannahs, the majestic lakes of Akagera National Park where lions and rhinos roam free – it’s also all their magnificent repression.

“Imagine a country that’s a sensible one-party state, where democracy really is just a sham, where you can fire activist judges whenever you like, and you’ll understand why I can’t stay in Britain a second longer.

“Human rights? While we’re busting a gut trying to work out why they don’t cover migrants over here they’re not even a footnote. And all newspapers are owned by the government. Not just most, like in Britain. All of them.

“I and my family have relocated to Kigala, and I urge all real Tories to follow me. You’ll love it here. They’re bloody brilliant at keeping out the immigrants.”