Seven celebrities who'd be f**ked if it wasn't for Christmas

WHETHER it’s collecting the royalties from 40-year-old hits or knocking out children’s books now they’re not on TV, some celebs would be stuffed without Christmas. Like these…

Noddy Holder

Imagine if royalties ceased as soon as your record was no longer in the charts. Noddy would have needed to keep writing hits in an increasingly alien musical landscape. In 1988 Public Enemy would be releasing It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back, while Noddy would be trapped in a glam-rock timewarp, cranking out songs like Cum On Rok The Tinzel that only reached number 63 in the charts.

Delia Smith 

Okay, she’s got Delia’s Complete Cookery Course as a year-round earner, but the birth of Christ has served Delia well. There’s not just Delia Smith’s Christmas, there’s also Delia’s Happy Christmas. Coming up with the title for that must have been a punishing all-nighter. In addition there is Delia Smith’s Winter Collection, if you still lack the basic human skill of cooking meat with fire.

David Walliams

The genius of David’s books is that they’re clearly based on a formula and can’t take long to write, hence Awful Auntie, Boogie Bear and Gangsta Granny. You may resent buying Ejaculating Egret or whatever for your kid, but now David has been ditched by Britain’s Got Talent and Little Britain is racist, just see it as a heartwarming act of Christmas charity. 

Jools Holland

Jools’ Annual Hootenanny is a sort of retirement plan after Squeeze and The Tube, and it’s worth a f**k of a lot more than your pension. It’s forged a new Christmas tradition, namely being stuck at home with your folks while the music lurches between artists you don’t like and ones only Jools remembers. Essential listening if you’re simultaneously a fan of Beth Ditto, Jeff Beck, Bob Mould, Professor Green and one of The Ronettes.

Nigella Lawson

Nigella wrote the somewhat bluntly titled Nigella Christmas, but her TV shows are the big hitters financially. Nigella’s Christmas Kitchen shook up Christmas cookery TV by throwing aspirational lifestyle fantasies and the suggestion that she’d f**k you into the mix. Now, older and wiser, we feel the show should be called Nigella’s You’ll Never Be As Middle-Class As Me But Let’s Have Some Glazed Carrots.

Cliff Richard 

Cliff can always be relied on to shit out something festive, like last year’s Heart of Christmas. Some songs – like that sleighbell-filled abomination – disappear without trace, but he just chucks them at the wall and sees what sticks. In 1988 Mistletoe and Wine hit paydirt, but sadly for committed Christian Cliff, it also means he is undoubtedly going to Hell.

King Charles

The monarch, not the breed of spaniel. Charles is not a popular king, due to being a tetchy, miserable shit and an anachronistic parasite. Luckily the King or Queen’s Christmas speech allows them to spout some guff about peace, happiness and service to others and look as if they serve some purpose. Which keeps the public funds rolling in, and with Charles receiving £86.3 million last year, it pisses on other celebs’ Christmas hustles.

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A white home counties roadman gets a visit from da feds

Fourteen-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, explains how the feds set up a dead sting to bare jail him 

WAGWAN? Da feds try to bust man dis mornin’ an’ smash Active J’s network wide open. Copdem shakedown school hassembly by fakin’ doin’ commoonity policin’. 

Miss Jackson bare fell for it and let five-oh in wivout a search warrant. Gyal not even check dem’s hi-d or if dem ‘ave da school lanyard drip.

Dem feds woz gangsta sweepin’ to bare bust Active J, like man’s bruv Nines at da hairport. Him’s was harrested just for not tellin’ da cops about him’s burna phone and where him’s crib is, oh and some Class B herb. Still.

Da cops was grillin’ hassembly wiv yes an’ no questions about da so-called dangers of vapin’, an’ a fed asked if anyone got a vape? Wasteman Drilla’ pulls out his Blueberry Muffin, an sez yeah, an’ Active J got a Peach Melba. Schooldem is all laughin’, ‘cept man woz vexed at deadman Drilla grassin’ man up.

Miss Jackson then gets bare mad an’ pulls man an’ dickhead Drilla to do a line-up for 5-0 to hinterrogate us wivout lawyers about mandem’s vapes.

Man woz gonna say ‘No comment, innit’, but Miss did da really deep heavy optics an’ confiscated mandem’s vapes. Da feds must ‘ave pepper-sprayed or CS-gassed Active J too, coz man’s eyes woz bare waterin’.

But Babylon ‘ad no hevidence to harrrest Acitive J for supplyin’ Drilla wiv him’s Class V fruity pen, coz Active J said nuffink. Now man is gassed an’ flexin’ swag, free to build a gangsta vape hempire up from him’s corner shop to bare worldwide supermarkets, like yute Pablo Tescobar.

But Active J will start tomorrow, coz Miss said man has to go straight home tonight wivout a vape pen. Rank.