80 per cent of oral sex debts going unpaid

FOUR out of five men have let oral sex debts mount up that they do not intend to ever repay, it has emerged.

The debts, incurred when men received oral which they then failed to pay back in kind, stretch back decades and amount to millions of unreciprocated sex acts.

Solicitor Tom Logan said: “Oral? I suppose I technically do have a few outstanding in the ledger, yes, but I’m a giving person so surely not much.

“What? 139? That’s nonsense… but I suppose there was, yes, and then the other times, and that entire relationship, and I was a late starter. Well I can’t be expected to clear those debts. They’ll have to be written off.”

Jack Browne, aged 23, said: “Oh God, I don’t know how I let myself get this behind. Giving in to temptation I guess. I blame women for offering such easy credit terms.

“No way can I pay all that back. I’d be working all night every night. Can I subcontract it to a couple of foreign girls?”

Eleanor Shaw said: “Why hello there, if it isn’t the reason married men don’t get blowjobs.”

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Bank asks customer to pop into closed branch with utility bill he doesn't have

A BANK has asked a customer to visit a branch that closed years ago with a utility bill he does not possess, it has emerged.

Tom Logan only wanted to change the billing address on his account but has been asked by HSBC to embark on a doomed quest with paperwork he opted out of receiving six years earlier.

He said: “Isn’t this the reason we invented apps? So we could sort everything from the comfort of our sofas while half watching Frozen Planet II and eating a Twix?

“My local branch closed its doors around the time Woolworths went under. Now the nearest one is twenty miles away and doesn’t open on weekends, which makes ‘popping in’ a massive ball-ache that will eat into my annual leave.

“Plus I’ve got to chase down an energy bill or go through the faff of printing off the digital copy. I’d be better off keeping my life savings safely stuffed under my mattress.”

A HSBC spokesperson said: “Tom’s going to be really annoyed when he finds out we can’t take care of his problem in person. He’ll have to call our automated helpline that costs a fiver a minute.”