90 per cent of girlfriends' questions not intended to be answered

THE majority of questions asked by girlfriends are thinking out loud and should not be answered, boyfriends have confirmed. 

Nathan Muir, aged 25, estimated that his partner Emma Bradford asks him upwards of 230 questions in an average day, less than 20 of which actually require an answer.

He said: “Yesterday alone I was asked ‘Is that a nice car?’ about a passing Audi, ‘Are those birds?’ about some birds, and ‘Do you think that’s my green?’ about a cardigan in a shop window.

“Attempting to answer that last one got me in real trouble. I think she thought I was reading her mind.

“Conversely, ignoring the question ‘Do you think I should become an aid worker in the developing world?’ because I assumed it was inner monologue got me bollocked as well. There’s no easy solution.”

Bradford said: “I asked the aid worker thing, which is a major life-changing decision, and he said nothing.

“Then I said ‘Well I’ll take your your silence as, ‘Yes, sod off and go and help people and me and you can just be a thing of the past, should I? Is that what you want? Is it?’

“And he said ‘No of course not’ as if it was a real question.”

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Woman surprised not to be congratulated on weight gain

A WOMAN who liked all her friends’ weight loss posts on Facebook cannot understand why they have said nothing about her putting on 18 pounds. 

Carolyn Ryan of Hatfield has gained the weight after a rigorous summer programme of crisps, beer and no exercise, but has seen no response to her before-and-after photos.

She said: “I’m supportive when they change shape. Where’s my ‘you go girl’?

“It’s not been easy. I’ve had to deny myself all kind of restraint. Sometimes I didn’t want to gorge that second tub of Ben & Jerry’s. If they were real mates they’d say.

“I thought we were all weight-positive now. I certainly am, I’ve just ordered Domino’s.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “I did debate writing ‘Your muffin top looks really bulgy, well done’ under Carolyn’s crop top picture. But it just seemed fake.”