Destroying Alderaan 'business as usual', asserts Tory MP

THE destruction of Alderaan with a giant space laser was business as usual and nothing to get worked up about, a Tory MP has claimed.

Denys Finch Hatton, member for Bexleyheath and Crayford, told protesting rebels that they were overreacting to a perfectly routine bit of political business, which was typical of them.

He continued: “None of you had even heard of Alderaan until yesterday, but a few viral retweets and suddenly you’re all bloody experts.

“Well let me give you all a few plain facts; this was not an outrage against the traditions and norms of the Galactic Republic, it wasn’t done just out of spite, and we did this to concentrate on our very exciting legislative agenda.

“Anyone claiming to have ‘felt a great disturbance in the Force’ or ‘millions of voices crying out in terror’ is guilty of playing politics. The real voices that have been silenced are Brexiters, by the liberal elite BBC.

“There is nothing remotely unconstitutional about the DS-1 orbital battle station or our leaders’ use of it. Why can’t you be optimistic for once?”

Hatton added: “The cross-party rebel alliance, currently meeting on Yavin 4, should start backing Britain. In the time they have left.”

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Queen a fat lot of f**king use, realises Britain

THE UK has finally concluded that the monarchy is as useful in a crisis as an upside-down urinal, it has emerged. 

Conditioned by decades of fond sycophancy, many of the British public believed that when the sh*t really went down she would make a benevolent intervention for the common good.

Tom Logan of Carlisle said: “I’m Labour, but I’ve always maintained that a constitutional monarch is a valuable safeguard on the democratic process. Except it isn’t and it’s b*llocks.

“She always seemed so nice in her Christmas speeches, concerned for the benefit of her people, home and abroad, but it seems I was simply watching them through a warm drunken haze.

“So it’s a kick in the teeth to realise she’ll wave through any 1933 Nazi chicanery as long as it doesn’t disturb the grouse shoot. Posh cow.”

Nikki Hollis, aged 32, agreed, “I suppose it’s a bit like when you read human qualities into animals. You look at the Royals and imagine they’re human beings with human feelings like the rest of us.

“Nah. Really, they’re all like Prince Andrew.”