Britain officially a banana republic

BRITAIN is now officially a banana republic with sunshine, a sham democracy and a reasonably good football team.

The inevitable rigged election between a well-intentioned socialist and a puppet of international finance that will follow, means Britain and its poor-but-smiling natives are now part of the developing world. 

Economist Norman Steele said: “Look at those barefoot children kicking a ball about in the dust where crops should be growing. They have nothing, but they’re happy. 

“The people, indolent and disinterested because of their country’s blazing sun, will pay no attention to an election corrupted by foreign money and wave through the appointment of a despot who’s good on the telly. 

“Eventually the football team will win the World Cup and make everything seem okay. It’s the full package.” 

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Retired parents exhausted after day of completely unnecessary tasks

A MAN’S retired parents are looking forward to a rest after a punishing day of finding things to do that did not need doing.

While visiting, Tom Logan was puzzled to find his mum and dad furiously rearranging kitchen cupboards, cleaning already-clean items and ‘checking’ the garden hose.

Logan said: “They made out they had a mountain of important chores to do, but it was just things like Dad oiling some garden shears he hasn’t used in 15 years.

“Meanwhile Mum was taking all their clothes out of wardrobes to ‘check for moths’. There were no moths. There have never been any moths in 40 years of them living here. The moths are a lie. 

“They’ve bled a radiator which was working fine, soaked a load of brand new mugs in bleach and done a detailed inspection of all the bath towels. Then they put them all back again.

“I hope my retirement doesn’t consist of inventing chores just to have something to do. I wouldn’t mind but the daft b*stards have worn themselves out and want me to go to the shops for them.”

Logan’s father Derek said: “It was absolutely necessary to remove and check all the light bulbs. There’s nothing more dangerous than a loose light bulb.”