FORGOTTEN Valentine’s Day? In a desperate panic? Here’s how to delight your loved one with generic tat from the nearest open shop:
Buy the only card left
You’ve got to get a card, even if you are so impoverished of imagination that you let the soppy printed message do all the work and just scrawl your name at the bottom. Pick the reddest, most impractically sized monstrosity you can find, preferably padded. Bonus points if it’s full of glitter that your partner has to hoover up after they’ve opened it.
Throw in some chocolate
Chocolate is romantic, right? Well, maybe if you’d spent a ruinous amount of money on a batch of handcrafted artisanal truffles with your partner’s name carefully piped on each one. A multipack of Double Deckers doesn’t demonstrate quite the same level of forethought and care.
Don’t buy flowers
A bunch of wilted flowers from a petrol station is a Valentine’s Day cliche which you aren’t going to perpetuate. Instead, grab something like a can of de-icer or a set of jump leads and spin it to your partner as a hilariously ironic and witty gift. They will crack a fake smile while hating you on the inside.
Leave the price on
Nothing says romance like spontaneity, so the fact that you present your gifts wrapped loosely in a plastic bag with the word ‘Esso’ printed on it just shows you’re a free-wheeling maverick who follows your heart. After all, you can’t put a price tag on love, even though £2.50 is clearly the amount you’ve chosen.
If all else fails, get a scratch card
Everyone loves a scratch card as they offer the potential of getting loads of cash, ditching your old life and running away to sunnier climes with a string of hot young lovers. Which is exactly what your partner is going to want to do after spending yet another horribly disappointing Valentine’s Day with you.