At the urinal: the six worst times for your girlfriend to call you

STANDING there, cock out, when your trouser pocket begins to vibrate a merry tune? How does she know these are the times to call? 

At a urinal

Both hands are occupied, and will be for some time. Nobody wants to go direct from piss to phone. But once you’ve been disturbed the first isn’t coming and the second won’t f**king shut up, breaking the silence and causing other urinators to pointedly not look your way.

At the punchline of a joke

The build-up has finished, there’s an eruption of laughter due, then you hear Baby by Justin Bieber because your girlfriend thought it would be cute to assign to her. The punchline’s ruined, you take the call, and come back to a new joke about a soft twat with a Bieber ringtone.

During a mouthful of food

The first bite of a kebab is the best, often including a secondary ‘half-bite’ to ensure filling every corner of the oral cavity, restricting breathing exclusively to the nostrils. This is the moment the call arrives. Chewing faster is impossible due to facial muscle cramp, swallowing risks a potential Heimlich. Ignore? Give to a mate to answer? Grunt? All give the clear impression you’re snogging some girl.

At the climax of an act of self-love

The urge rises, and an act of pleasure urgently needs to be performed, it’s almost done and a call comes in from your beloved explaining her boss is a wanker. Libido extinguished you limply agree, answering ‘What are you up to?’ with ‘Just thinking of you babe.’

Skiving off work

Nobody will ever know you’re not on the training course, you cackle while booting up the PS5 for a solid six hours gaming. The phone rings. You can’t get away with this one. The lie will be there in your voice and suddenly the least you can do is push the Hoover round. It’s voicemail and a call back from a windy location or you’re f**ked for sure.

At a till

You called while picking up a few bits to see if she needed anything. The call comes as you’re paying, when it’s rude to answer, but you do so anyway. Not only has the checkout operative rightly judged you an insolent arsehole, but now you’ve got to go back through and buy her special hair mousse. You will buy the wrong hair mousse.

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'Why can't you just be happy for us?' ask energy firms

ENERGY firms raking in billions of pounds of profit are at a loss as to why nobody is congratulating them.

Having doubled their year-on-year profits and smashed all previous records, BP was at least hoping for a supportive thumbs up.

A BP spokesman said: “How about a simple ‘well done’? Who would that harm?

“We’ve worked really hard getting oil and gas out of the ground and turning it into useful fuel, which is far from easy, and you like it well enough to burn but not enough to say ‘thanks, mate’ like you say to the barman after every pint.

“Guys. We made $23 billion in a year. That is objectively incredible. But not one of our loyal customers seems excited by our good fortune. Not even a text with a party face emoji.

“Admittedly, Shell made a couple bill more, so our profit seems like small potatoes in comparison. I promise we’ll do better next year. We can always raise costs.

“Come on though, £23 billion. Fair play to us, yeah?”