STANDING there, cock out, when your trouser pocket begins to vibrate a merry tune? How does she know these are the times to call?
At a urinal
Both hands are occupied, and will be for some time. Nobody wants to go direct from piss to phone. But once you’ve been disturbed the first isn’t coming and the second won’t f**king shut up, breaking the silence and causing other urinators to pointedly not look your way.
At the punchline of a joke
The build-up has finished, there’s an eruption of laughter due, then you hear Baby by Justin Bieber because your girlfriend thought it would be cute to assign to her. The punchline’s ruined, you take the call, and come back to a new joke about a soft twat with a Bieber ringtone.
During a mouthful of food
The first bite of a kebab is the best, often including a secondary ‘half-bite’ to ensure filling every corner of the oral cavity, restricting breathing exclusively to the nostrils. This is the moment the call arrives. Chewing faster is impossible due to facial muscle cramp, swallowing risks a potential Heimlich. Ignore? Give to a mate to answer? Grunt? All give the clear impression you’re snogging some girl.
At the climax of an act of self-love
The urge rises, and an act of pleasure urgently needs to be performed, it’s almost done and a call comes in from your beloved explaining her boss is a wanker. Libido extinguished you limply agree, answering ‘What are you up to?’ with ‘Just thinking of you babe.’
Skiving off work
Nobody will ever know you’re not on the training course, you cackle while booting up the PS5 for a solid six hours gaming. The phone rings. You can’t get away with this one. The lie will be there in your voice and suddenly the least you can do is push the Hoover round. It’s voicemail and a call back from a windy location or you’re f**ked for sure.
At a till
You called while picking up a few bits to see if she needed anything. The call comes as you’re paying, when it’s rude to answer, but you do so anyway. Not only has the checkout operative rightly judged you an insolent arsehole, but now you’ve got to go back through and buy her special hair mousse. You will buy the wrong hair mousse.
