Blazing rows to be judged by VAR

COUPLES’ arguments will be adjudicated by video assistant referees to determine who is in the wrong.

With the Champions League planning to introduce VAR technology, experts now want high-definition video footage to become a routine part of relationship counselling.

Therapist Tom Logan said: “The problem we face is not knowing which side to take, because it’s one person’s word against the other and they’re usually both bloody liars.

“With VAR technology we can easily establish whether Iain had been criticising a perfectly nice meal, or if indeed it was Gemma who’d had a bad attitude all evening.

“Then we can really get to the meat of the issue, such as if he did subtly imply that he fancies her mate Vicky.

“And with cameras installed throughout homes for weeks, months or years, we’ll definitely be able to clear up whose turn it is to put the bins out.”

Emma Bradford, who participated in a trial of the technology with her boyfriend Matt, agreed it was highly effective, particularly when it proved Matt was an idiot.

She said: “It turns out he was wrong about loads of things. Yes, the VAR counselling has caused us to split up, but it’s worth it to be in the right.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The bellend's guide to ruining conversations

ARE you the sort of twat who likes to hijack conversations or stop other people joining in? Here are some tips for ruining any pleasant chat.

Exclude people

Find a subject half of your friends are unable to contribute to, such as classical music or finding a good primary school in your area. Savour their glumness as they realise they’d have more fun sitting at home listening to Radio 4.

Bring everyone down

If everyone’s having a light, frothy conversation about weird kids they knew at school or Bagpuss, now is the time, apropos of nothing, to bring up your aunt’s recent cancer scare.

Watch with satisfaction as everyone is forced to talk about your serious thing instead. Other good topics include: the time you were burgled; dead pets; how you wish you could do more to help the victims of genocide.

Talk about something balls-achingly dull

Steer the conversation onto subjects from the deepest pits of boredom hell: going on an advanced spreadsheets course, or how your new squeegee mop has been a bitter disappointment compared to the last one.

Get everyone using their phones

Start showing people pictures on your phone. You’ll start a phone ‘chain reaction’ and soon everyone will be looking at utterly pointless photos, such as the carvery meal Gavin and Sue had last April in Ipswich.

Encourage others to be morons

If any of your friends are having a vaguely intelligent discussion about the economy, derail it with moronic comments like: “Even economists don’t understand it – and they’re all bloody liars anyway!”

Any dunces present will love your populist stance, and soon you’ll be able to drag the conversation back to droning on about your new cooker or whatever.