Workplace friendship turns horribly awkward outside office

TWO colleagues had the horrific experience of discovering their banter-based work relationship does not exist outside the office.

Tom Booker invited Martin Bishop to the pub following months of shared jokes about difficult clients, the coffee machine and office away day.

Booker said: “As we stepped outside the office I riffed on our favourite topic of coffee capsules but his smile was forced and unnatural.

“I think he’d realised we don’t really know each other and was wondering what the fuck we were going to talk about, or if outside the workplace I’d turn out to be a total weirdo.

“By the time we got to the pub he actually looked quite scared. I should know, because I was wondering if there was some way to just run off.”

Bishop said: “We had a really painful conversation about rugby which neither of us are into. The awkward silences were getting so excruciating I thought I was going to have a panic attack.

“There was no need to take our relationship to the pub. It worked perfectly in the confines of Wanstead Insurance Services and now it’s ruined forever.

“I don’t know how I’ll face Tom tomorrow. We’re both straight but it’s like we had really bad sex.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Heinz drops plans to rename Salad Cream 'Weird Sweet Goopy Shit'

HEINZ has gone back on its decision to rebrand Salad Cream as ‘Weird Sweet Goopy Shit’, a name thought to appeal more to millennials.

The planned change caused outrage among loyal Salad Cream consumers who were not ready to face the truth about their addiction to the strange substance.

Stephen Malley of Daventry said: “Calling it Salad Cream makes it sound normal, to the extent that it’s normal to add cream to a salad.

“The new name would have been more accurate because it admits there is something deeply odd about this weird condiment no other country shares our addiction to.

“However I prefer a name that cloaks the strangeness in a little familiarity and hides the British desperation for bottled sauce with every single meal.

“If millennials don’t like the name they should just make some and put ‘Craft’ in front of ‘Salad Cream’. They’ll fucking love it then.”

A Heinz spokesman said: “We anticipate no such backlash against our next rebrand, which will be changing Tomato Ketchup to ‘Red Sugar for Chips’.”