Lazy bastard boyfriend refusing to become mindreader

A SELFISH boyfriend has refused to learn to read his partner’s mind, it has emerged.

Despite going out for seven years, Nathan Muir is still incapable of anticipating girlfriend Donna Sheridan’s unspoken needs using psychic powers.

Sheridan said: “You know that silent understanding TV couples have where all it takes is a look between them and they know what the other means?

“Yeah, Nathan can’t do that.

“The other day my sister was coming over at 6pm for dinner. I beamed that information to Nathan with my eyes, but he was still really surprised and annoyed when she ‘unexpectedly’ turned up.”

Muir said: “I do have some mind-reading powers. I instantly get the gist if she gives me a look that says ‘I want to go now’ or ‘You’re not doing that’.

“The things I can’t do are translate detailed restaurant orders or receive plans for the evening while she’s miles away at work.

“What Donna needs to realise is that if I could I’d be mega-famous like Derren Brown and not going out with a nobody like her.”

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Man inexplicably into American sports

A MAN is a devoted fan of American sports and nobody has the slightest idea why.

Tom Logan enthusiastically supports teams like the Chicago Pickpockets, the Alabama Fighting Hens and the Minnesota She-Devils despite having no good reason to do so.

Not only was Logan born and brought up outside Colchester, he has also never visited America and is not into other American things like line dancing bollocks.

Logan’s partner Nikki Hollis said: “Tom spends all his time on forums arguing about sports happening in a place he doesn’t live. From what I’ve seen they are also extremely boring.

“I don’t know much about sport, but I know this is ridiculous. Also if I’m going to be forced to watch American ‘football’ I wish the players would bloody get on with it and not keep stopping every 30 seconds.”

Logan said: “I love staying up until three in the morning to watch minor league baseball then having to explain why over and over again the next day.

“I particularly enjoy telling people about the incredibly complicated rules. I feel that makes me quite interesting.”