Boyfriend does 12-item supermarket shop and gets them all wrong

A MAN has returned from the supermarket with all 12 items that his girlfriend requested, each of them wrong. 

Nathan Muir came home honestly believing that because he had purchased every item on the list he had done a good job, rather than wasting 45 minutes and £38.66.

Girlfriend Hannah Tomlinson said: “Just because they’re called ‘Mrs Plumpton’s Springhouse Farm’ doesn’t mean they’re free-range. I wanted free-range eggs. These are cruel eggs.

“I told you I wanted the Chicken Korma from the takeaway range, not the ordinary one, and what’s this ‘Charlie Bigham’ lasagne in a fancy wooden tray? How do I recycle that?

“Bourbons are not nice biscuits. Bourbons are emergency biscuits for builders. And you thought ‘full-fat’ milk was what we have? How?

“This hair mousse is for women with frizzy hair. Are you saying I’ve got frizzy hair? Then you’ve got Lurpak when it wasn’t on offer. I said ‘only if it’s on offer’. Never full price.”

She added: “I genuinely don’t know where this relationship is going.”

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Five types of story that give Daily Mail readers the raging horn

OUTRAGED? Livid? That’s the only way you can get blood flowing to your genitalia any more? Daily Mail reader Bill McKay divulges the genres of story that give him life: 

‘Immigrants get just desserts’

If asylum seekers insist on escaping famine and war they should be prepared for brutal punishment, gleefully covered in the Mail. Deportations, long-term imprisonment with no hope of release, losing court cases about their human rights: I’m swelling with patriotic pride just thinking it.

‘Lunatic EU does idiot thing’

There’s nothing more affirming or arousing than Brussels bringing in mad laws protecting their right to munch bratwurst on a subsidised municipal waterslide or some bollocks. Thank f**k we’re in an independent UK, where I have the freedom to toss myself off at the thought of how much better we are than them.

‘Child sent home from school for arbitrary reason’

My children are in their 40s, but if I always ensured they abided by the strict dress code at their C of E school. Furthermore, I believe it’s an insult to our great armed forces when children wear the wrong shoes or have long hair. A picture of a feckless mother with her arms crossed next to a child who’s dyed their hair pink ‘for charity’ is my erotica.

‘This food will give you cancer’

My simple diet of bacon, ketchup and white bread is medically impeccable, so I’m delighted to read that grapefruit makes your eyes fall out or sushi gives you rickets. I often pleasure myself imagining health-conscious, oat-latte-drinking young people collapsing in the street because they eat too much smashed avocado.

‘Meghan Markle exists’

The British public was lied to and betrayed by Markle. She might be 5,000 miles away but her presence still burns away at my wife and I constantly. Learning that she has a new business venture, has done something for charity or has walked her dog gets us so inflamed we have to retire to the bedroom.