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Boyfriend floating idea of threesome means the two-women-and-him kind

A MAN suggesting a threesome to his girlfriend obviously means the good type that caters to his sordid fantasies, he has explained.

James Bates came up with the idea of a threesome while studying numerous videos online in incognito mode, but is keen to specify it should be the sort with only one penis, which would be his.

He said: “It’s important to lay down some ground rules for this sort of thing. So let me be clear: four tits, two fannies, and one – let me repeat that because I can’t emphasise it enough – one knob. Singular.

“I’m not selfish though. They’d both be welcome to go to town on me while I give absolutely nothing back. It’ll basically be my usual lovemaking approach but with another woman there. 

“Maybe my stepsister. That’s what the internet has brainwashed me into thinking is normal.

“Two cocks would be a surplus. What could my other half possibly do with two dicks at the same time? Talk about clothes to one while giving a handjob to the other? Also just the idea of being within three metres of a man’s naked bottom makes me feel physically sick.”

Girlfriend Lucy Parry said: “Another woman? Sounds good to me. It’ll be nice to finally be with someone who knows their way around down there. James can wait in the car.”

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GCSEs: Should you just f**k them off and hang out with your mates?

GCSE exams begin on Monday, but should you revise or not bother because a worthless bit of paper won’t determine your life? Here 16-year-old rebel Ryan Whittaker gives his advice.

Employers don’t care anyway

You think your boss will be impressed because you’ve got a piece of paper with a number on? Dream on. Out in the real world, which I know about because my brother’s 19 and works at Pizza Magic, nobody gives a shit. They care about real stuff, like having access to a car and no criminal convictions.

Nobody successful has GCSEs

Lord Sugar. Sir Richard Branson. Stormzy. Professor Stephen Hawking. What have they got in common? Huge British successes, and not a GCSE among them. Because getting passing grades gives you such a false sense of achievement that you let real opportunity slip away. It actually holds you back.

None of it’s worth learning

Cell mitosis? Themes in Of Mice And Men? Quadratic graphs? F**k off. No way are you ever going to need to know any of that shite. What’s the point of learning it just to forget it when you could be learning real survival skills out on the streets of Bury St Edmunds?

You’ll never be this young again

Back in like times of yore, a 16-year-old would be married, at war or king. He wouldn’t be sitting around drawing a revision timetable with his mum bringing him smoothies. He’d be out living life. For example, tonight we’re going for a Maccy Ds then hanging out in B&Q car park.

You can always retake them

Even if you decide you want GSCEs for whatever reason – I’m cool not getting into 60 grand of student debt, but if you do – then there are retakes next year. By then we’ll all be 17 anyway so the wild times will be over and most of us will be settled down. I’ll probably be married.

I’ve got some weed in

My brother delivered to this guy and could smell the weed so strong so he asked him for a deal and I’ve got half of it because he owed me for borrowing my bike. You could revise all weekend but this sweet-ass green will all be gone by then. It’s only geography. Everyone’s seen mountains and shit. F**k it off.

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