Friday, 6th December 2019

Boyfriend thinking of doing stand-up comedy instantly 85% less attractive

THE girlfriend of a man who believes he is funny enough to be a stand-up comedian is considering terminating the relationship immediately.

Martin Bishop floated the idea to Joanna Kramer after making a vaguely witty comment in the pub that amused several friends and which he then repeated all night.

Kramer said: “It was a sh*t joke but his mates were wasted enough to laugh and the guy in the kebab shop sort of chuckled politely at it, so now he thinks he’s Michael f*cking McIntyre. 

“He’s started doing terrible observational monologues about cleaning his teeth and eating cheese which make me want to punch him in the face. So he’s like a professional stand-up in that respect.

“This morning he said ‘Have you ever noticed there’s always a bit of toothpaste stuck to the sink?’. I wondered what the f*ck he was on about, then I realised he was doing stand-up on me.

“In the unlikely event he succeeds as a comedian he’ll just become a w*nker egomaniac and dump me for a TV researcher. Therefore it makes total sense to cut my losses now and avoid loads of excruciating ‘open mic’ gigs.”

Bishop said: “Have you ever noticed how cats really clean their a*seholes but never bother with their tails? No? Hang on, I’ve got some other material I’ve been working on.”