Boyfriend who 'can't read minds' also unable to understand verbal instructions

A BOYFRIEND who ‘cannot read minds’ can not comprehend verbal or written instructions either, his partner has confirmed. 

Joanna Kramer is frequently informed by Tom Logan about his lack of telepathic abilities, which he blames for his failure to understand information that is being conveyed to him by conventional means.

Kramer said: “Apparently, because Tom can’t read minds, he had no way of knowing I hate Thai food. I’d argue he could have got it from me saying ‘I hate Thai food’ last month.

“Also, when I’ve openly asked for Peter Andre tickets for my birthday, it doesn’t take Professor fucking X to work out that’s what I want. Instead of leather trousers two sizes too small.

“Then there’s the time I emailed telling him that no, I did not want to go on Martin’s Party In Amsterdam tour because, and I quote directly from the email, ‘Martin’s a twat’. The reply? ‘Great, booked us both on’.

“I’m fully aware he can’t read minds. If he did, he’d know exactly who I’m thinking about when we have sex. Clue: not him.”

Logan said: “How was I supposed to know Joanna kept telling me all this stuff? I’m not a bloody mind-reader, am I?”

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Hip young entrepreneur opens trendy cafe in town that only eats pies

A YOUNG businessman is convinced his fashionable eatery in an unadventurous Northern town will start making money soon.

Nathan Muir opened Parsley and Grape in a small town in Yorkshire believing local people would be thrilled to try new cuisine but has so far only sold 40 cups of tea.

Muir said: “I don’t understand it. I thought these culture-starved simple folk would be dying to try exciting big city food like cold Thai noodle salad with spicy quinoa.

“I expect there just hasn’t been time for a word-of-mouth buzz to get going. There’s probably a massive foodie community begging to be freed from the tyranny of chicken and mushroom pies.

“I really don’t want to reach the conclusion that the locals are all pie and gravy swilling beasts who’d eat out of a trough like pigs if it had chips in. I don’t want to say that at all.”

Pub landlord Norman Steele said: “I once put carbonara on the menu here and the locals thought I was trying to poison them. They actually threatened to burn the pub down.

“My advice is to encase everything in pastry and serve it chip shop-style. I can’t imagine miso and tofu pie with mushy peas and gravy is very nice, but it’s his best bet.”