Britain determined to make Keep Calm and Carry On posters necessary

THE UK is determined to make things so desperate that ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ merchandise is a necessary part of everyday life. 

Britons feel it is a shame that the iconic poster, created in wartime, was never actually used and believe it is worth wrecking everything to give it a chance to shine.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “In 2013 I looked at my Keep Calm cushion and thought it was a terrible pity Britain was too happy and prosperous for it to be anything but ironic.

“I decided to do everything I could to make it truly necessary. I voted UKIP, at the next election I voted for Cameron, then obviously for Brexit, and now Corbyn’s on board I’ll vote for that twat too.”

Mum-of-two Mary Fisher said: “I really wanted to get the most out of my Keep Calm mug, poster and biscuit tin so I’m totally committed to our current slide into economic ruin.

“I hope that once we’ve left the EU with a disastrous no-deal people will see the words shining from their walls, T-shirts and dog baskets and really feel inspired by them.

“You’ll have lost your job and the supermarkets will be empty, but you’ll be able to go ‘Ha, that’s funny.’”

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Man on shitty little scooter incredibly sexually attractive, say women

A TEENAGER has become an object of intense sexual desire since he started riding round his area on an ear-splitting scooter.

Local females have admitted they rush out of their homes just to watch 17-year-old Martin Bishop slowly whizz by at 25mph, six times a day.

Donna Sheridan, 33, said: “He’s turned our boring little town into Easy Rider. Who is this mystery man, this enigmatic modern-day outlaw of the road?

“His second-hand 50cc Honda is pure sex. He may have L-plates on his powerful motorbike but you can bet he’s no learner between the sheets.”

Emma Bradford, 28, said: “I dream he’ll see me looking at him through the window and beckon me to ride pillion with him. He’d take me to a park bench for a can of Red Bull and a packet of Monster Munch. Wow.

“My husband says he’s a noise-polluting little prick riding around on the vehicular equivalent of a dentist’s drill, but he’s clearly just jealous of his virility.”

Bishop said: “I love the sense of freedom riding around in circles in a small regional town gives you. I’ll be back on the road once I’ve borrowed some petrol money off me mam.”