WANT to spend the rest of your life alone without even a whiff of romance? Follow this advice from permanently single twats.
Bros before hoes
And for the sake of equality: chicks before dicks. There’s a time and a place to prioritise your friends, but people who say this will think you’re under the thumb because you drove your partner to A&E instead of coming to the pub. And they’ll make that whip-crack sound when you explain.
Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen
In theory, a bit of playful teasing can create a passionate frisson. However this tactic is often taken to an extreme by cretins who haven’t been on a date in the last decade. It’s as if people don’t find being ignored and publicly humiliated romantic. Weird.
Wait three days before texting them
Chronic singletons say this stops you looking desperate, when in fact it just makes you look like an uninterested prick. Follow this advice and you’ll only have yourself to blame when your date inevitably meets someone richer, fitter and better at communicating in the meantime.
Play hard to get
A slight air of aloofness could make your crush work extra hard for your affection. Or more likely, they’ll think you’re stuck up and not worth the effort, then before you know it you’re in your late 40s with nothing to show for it except a Tinder Plus account and no matches.
Just be yourself
The worst dating advice of all. Your real self stays up until 2am watching YouTube videos of what the world would be like if the Nazis won and must never be glimpsed by another soul. Create an artificial yet pleasant facade and get yourself locked into a doomed relationship like everyone else.