Child makes sure parents are fully committed to saying 'no' by asking 653 more times

A CHILD unconvinced that her mum and dad mean ‘no’ when they say it is testing her theory by asking the same question several hundred more times.  

Five-year-old Francesca Johnson, who requested Cadbury’s Creme Eggs for tea instead of fish fingers, had her request refused by her parents but wanted to be absolutely sure that they definitely meant it by continuing her line of enquiry for two hours.

She said: “Grown-ups get confused easily. For example, Mummy’s given up chocolate but there’s a bag of Wispa Bites in her handbag.

“And Daddy said he was never drinking again last Saturday, but there he was opening a can of lager just one hour after I started asking questions. So you see why I need to check.

“Also, and this could just be me imagining things, sometimes it’s almost as though the very act of questioning causes them to change their minds. As if they get tired of me, which I’m sure can’t be true.

“Anyway, this time it turned out they were definitely, absolutely saying ‘No’ about the Creme Eggs. So I’ll try again tomorrow.”

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I only smirked because it was f**king hilarious, says Bercow

THE Speaker of the House has clarified that he only smirked when cancelling a third Brexit vote yesterday because it was so incredibly funny. 

John Bercow admitted that he spent the whole weekend, during which senior Tories pontificated about who would change sides and offered the DUP a Range Rover Evoque each, absolutely weak with laughter but had managed to calm it down.

He continued: “This is why it had to be a surprise statement. If Theresa had been there on the front bench there’s no way I could have got through it without breaking down.

“Just seeing Leadsom in her poisonous little fury had me biting the inside of my cheek hard. The face on her.

“I basically got a bunch of self-righteous will-of-the-people arseholes all standing on the one trapdoor, then pulled a wooden lever installed in 1604 they’d all forgotten about.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg got it. He was absolutely pissing his sides afterwards. He’s a good lad.”

Bercow added: “Apparently now they’re going to restart parliament. Get the Queen to do an early speech. This is comedy gold.”