Genealogy research reveals family have been boring bastards since 14th century

A MAN has researched his family tree for the last seven centuries but is still not related to a single aristocrat, highwayman or war hero. 

Accountant Norman Steele’s tireless trawl of the archives has taken him years, and has yet to uncover anyone but historical no-marks who achieved neither greatness nor tragedy.

He said: “When I started tracing back I assumed I’d find either a bastard son of a king or a black-hearted pirate within the first few branches, but instead it was all clerical work or basket-weaving.

“My great-great-grandfather was in WW1, but he didn’t get the Victoria Cross for rescuing a comrade from No Man’s Land. He worked in the Army Service Corps in Swindon, keeping track of horse feed and rubber johnnies.

“Nobody was exiled to Australia. Nobody sought their fortunes in the New World. Most of them never bothered to leave Nuneaton.

“Apparently they sat out the Civil War, although in 1649 Alice Steele wrote in her diary, ‘A passinge Cavalier did startleth me and I dropped my turnippe down a well.’

“The final insult was when I discovered I’ve got a distant relative in Edinburgh who’s duplicated all my research, so I may as well not have fucking bothered.”

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Brexit marchers demand emergency airdrop from EU

HUNGRY, exhausted Brexit marchers have demanded an emergency airdrop of food, shoes and clothing from the EU if they are to continue. 

The Brexit march, which left Sunderland on Saturday to arrive in London on March 29th, are hopelessly lost in the trackless wastes of the post-industrial North and have signalled that they need aid urgently. 

Marcher Norman Steele said: “Unless we get food before the end of the day, we’ll lose some of the older ones. And when I say older ones I mean 85-plus. 

“We can’t hang around waiting for our government to organise anything. They’re too poor and too far away. But the EU’s only a swift hop over the North Sea and they’re groaning with resources. 

“We need food, preferably pies, waterproof hiking clothes, because a lot of us didn’t believe Project Fear and set out without coats, and ideally some kind of map. 

“We’ve got to reach London on time because that’s when Nigel’s joining us again. And after everything he’s done for us we can’t let him down.” 

He added: “A few crates of aid is the least the bloody EU could do. After all, this whole thing’s entirely their fault.”