Children confirm Christmas Day was perfect day to meet Dad's new girlfriend

THE children of a divorced man have confirmed they could not imagine a better time to meet their father’s new partner than Christmas Day.

Abby, aged 11, and seven-year-old Jake were celebrating their first Christmas at their Dad’s only for him to make the day extra-special by introducing them to a stranger called Lydia he has been sleeping with for four months.

Abby said: “What an occasion to meet a blonde woman who keeps touching your father in ways you find uncomfortable. I’ll be carrying this trauma well into adulthood.

“It’s nice that a day of magic and wonder has mainly been focused on an adult stranger whose relationship to me that is the literal stuff of fairytale villainy.

“On the upside, she did bring us presents. I guess she’s trying to buy her way into our hearts. I now have an Urban Decay eyeshadow palette she gets on discount from her job in John Lewis.”

Jake added: “Christmas was great. Dad felt so bad when I cried after he told us who the scary lady was that I got to eat chocolate instead of Christmas dinner.”

Father Julian Cook said: “I wanted all the people I love most to be in the same room this Christmas, even if they don’t know each other and they’re unprepared for it.

“Kids love surprises, don’t they?”

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Five ways to make the least of Twixmas

SPEND quality time with loved ones? Achieve goals that would make you proud? Or piss away the promise of these five days pointlessly? Here’s how: 

Eat the cheese until it’s all gone

There is a lot of cheese in your fridge, far more than any artery needs, which presents the most wonderful challenge to you this Twixmas. It would be immoral to begin the new year with all that around, so you have a responsibility to stay home and double down on the cheese and crackers. Or just the cheese.

Shop the online sales

There are discounts in shops! Not like there were on Black Friday or Cyber Monday or at the end of the summer or every time a company emails you. These are definitely different discounts, and you don’t have to shift your arse to get them. You’ll find that browsing stuff you don’t want or need simply eats time.

Get ill

Avoided illness before Christmas? Indulge yourself now. Open your airways, drop your defences, give your white blood cells the week off and invite in seasonal bugs like an aristocrat welcoming in the poor for Christmas. The days will pass in a blur of being sick and miserable. It’ll be 2023 before you know it.

Fall out with a family member

Long days with relatives are ripe for old feuds, ancient grudges and even brand new spats. Christmas has given you the ammo, so now’s the time to wage all-out family war. The right row can simmer for the whole period, wasting your whole holiday on relatives you won’t see for another year once you’re back at work.

Fret about New Year

Decided where you’re going to be? Are you sure? Is it definitely the best possible way to spend what is, after all, the most important night out of the year? Why not fritter away the productivity and happiness of these precious days by considering endless possibilities? The WhatsApp groups you spam with ‘Guys what about this?’ will thank you.