Everyone has great Christmas in EastEnders

THE cast of EastEnders have enjoyed a happy, restful and peaceful Christmas entirely free of murder, divorce, fistfights, or cancer diagnoses. 

The highlight of the Christmas Day episode was when Kim and Denise opened their presents to each other and cooed with delight, having got just the gifts they wanted.

Meanwhile a festive meal at Phil Mitchell’s house passed tranquilly as Phil, Kat and Alfie enjoyed convivial conversation over a turkey and prosecco, agreeing heartily about everything.

Lola, meanwhile, having discovered on Christmas Eve that her terminal brain tumour was actually just a migraine, enjoys a game of charades and declares this ‘the best Christmas ever’.

And wait – who’s this riding a sleigh into Albert Square? Why, ho ho ho, it’s Ian Beale dressed as Santa, returning to bring presents for the children and goodwill and cheer to a Walford already bursting with festive peace and camaraderie.

Mick Carter leaves for a lucrative career as a Cockney villain in Hollywood, and the show ended with a montage of characters slumbering in armchairs after a perfectly lovely day.

Producer Tom Logan said: “After a year like 2022, why would we make Britain suffer through bleak, miserable and implausible plotlines? It’s Christmas, for f**k’s sake.”

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Killjoy family already taking decorations down

A FAMILY with a low tolerance for nonsense is already packing up the Christmas tree and associated decorations.

After decorating the tree on Christmas Eve, and silently tolerating its unfamiliar presence in the lounge for an entire day, the Booker family began taking down the tree and all associated seasonal fripperies immediately after breakfast.

Dad Thomas said: “This is our favourite bit of the holidays. We get through the dinner, the presents, and the Mrs Brown’s Boys special with gritted teeth because we know this is around the corner. It never disappoints.

“The kids are up at 6am because they’re too excited to sleep, then we sneak downstairs and start packing up tinsel and putting cards in the recycling. By 10am you’d think it was any ordinary day.”

Wife Liz said: “I don’t understand the freaks who keep their houses looking festive until Twelfth Night. Christmas decorations are for Christmas Day only. Clue’s in the name.

“Now we’re looking forward to New Year’s Eve, when we’ll stay up until five past midnight for the solemn changing of the kitchen calendar. Can’t wait.”