Culture war soldiers hold truce for Boxing Day football game

WARRIORS in Britain’s culture war have waved the white flag to hold a Boxing Day game of football. 

From both sides of the cultural divide, commentators have silenced their tweets, climbed out of their entrenched views and embraced each other as if the enemy were fragile humans just like them.

Julia Hartley-Brewer said: “I woke and realised the constant barrage of wokeness had stopped. Peeking over the parapet, I saw Ash Sarkar waving a flag.

“We staggered out to meet the enemy, leaving our prejudices behind us. They didn’t raise the Rwanda flights. I kept silent on Drag Queen Story Hour. Both sides pretended Liz Truss had never happened.

“Overcome with fellow feeling, James O’Brien got a football out and we played as if our rivalry was a mere difference of opinion, not life or death. As if what united us was greater than what divided us in this damned, dirty little war.

“Owen Jones proved a surprisingly nimble striker. He put one past our keeper Darren Grimes, who laughed and hugged him, and in the fading light they seemed just two young boys for whom life could have held so much promise.

“As dusk fell, we shook hands and parted. They have their orders from George Soros, and we ours from Rupert Murdoch. Tomorrow we will be enemies again. But today we were the same.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad assigning Christmas Day parking slots

A DAD has been allotting time slots for visitors on Christmas Day to prevent parking issues on his beloved drive.

Roy Hobbs, aged 63, drawing on several decades of experience with festive congestion, has structured a precise timetable for visiting family and friends to adhere to.

His daughter Joanna said: “I received a letter inside mum and dad’s Christmas card which informed me that parking outside next door’s is forbidden after last year’s debacle with Auntie June’s mobility scooter.

“It went on to say that due to this we will only be able to use the drive, which is large enough for either two saloons or one SUV and one Smart car per visit.

“There was a questionnaire attached which asked about things like ‘length of intended stay’ and ‘vehicle dimensions’, and included a stern warning about returning it promptly in the stamped addressed envelope provided.

“We received our slots a week later. I’d asked for 10am to 12pm but was given 5pm to 6pm inclusive, which means the kids will be both high as kites on selection boxes and knackered little shitbags. Serves him right I suppose.”

She added: “At least we know now why he asked mum to get him a high-vis jacket and clipboard for Christmas.”