Christmas Eve tipple turns into all-night session

A FAMILY who opened a bottle of prosecco for Christmas Eve have descended into a raucous night of heavy boozing.

Normally sedate couple Martin and Mary Bishop were so pleased to have their children Jack and Bridget home for Christmas that they suggested opening a bottle to toast their togetherness.

Mary slurred: “We’ve not all been here since 2019 so I suggested a little glass of fizz. And it went down very, very well.

“So we opened the red I was planning for lunch tomorrow, then the boys started on beers and Bridge unlocked the liquor cabinet. Soon it was midnight and we’d even gone through the cream sherry I keep for Martin’s bloody mother. Who arrives in nine hours. Shit.”

Daughter Bridget agreed: “We are shitfaced. I’ve been out in the garden having fags, and I’m pretty sure one of the neighbours kids put his head out and asked if Santa had been yet, and I told him to f**k off.”

Son Jack Bishop noted, “This isn’t the first time Christmas Day will be a total write-off, but it is the first time everyone in the family will all be suffering the same disgusting hangover.”

“That’s a nice thought. It’s a season of togetherness, after all.”

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Only shit chocolates left

IT IS 1pm on Christmas Day and there are only shit chocolates left, the nation has confirmed. 

Dinner has yet to be served, the Top of The Pops Christmas special is still ringing in the country’s ears, and guests are yet to arrive but tubs of Quality Street are already denuded of all the good ones.

Helen Archer, aged 45, said: “Look, I only had them because everyone else was having them.

“They got popped open, I grabbed a couple of my favourites, I noticed with alarm that the kids were doing the same and they were going down fast and it spiralled into a race of consumption.

“Soon there were only toffee pennies and those vile blue ones left. So we had to open the Heroes and well, I’m not proud of what happened. I hope Granny likes eclairs.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “90 per cent of a tub of chocolate’s value lies in 20 per cent of its contents, and that 20 per cent is gone in minutes. The rest will still be hanging around uneaten at New Year.

“Except Celebrations, where only the Teasers are good, they’re gone in seconds and the rest will linger unwanted all week before being taken into work on the 3rd.”