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Clitoris to be renamed after first man to find it

THE clitoris is to be renamed in honour of the first man to ever find it.

Males across the UK are planning expeditions to their partners’ genitals with the aim of being immortalised in history as the man the female sex organ is named after.

Martin Bishop, 38, believes he has finally pinned down the elusive clitoris after an arduous search spanning almost two decades.

He said: “It’s been a long time coming. I’ve made maps and charts, kept detailed logs of dates and times of my search. I had almost given up hope.

“But I was having sex with my girlfriend Helen when I stumbled upon something I’ve never come across before, a small, glistening beacon of female pleasure. Now all I have to do is find it again and put a flag on it.

“The clitoris – which will soon called ‘Martin’s Point’ – is just the start. I’m hoping to find the g-spot, mankind’s final frontier. In ten years’ time we’ll be calling it Bishop’s Valley.”

However other men are also racing to find the clitoris, potentially resulting in it having a different name like ‘Gary’s Nub’ and bedroom conversations such as: “Will you rub my Alan Hughes?” 

However Bishop’s long-term girlfriend, Helen Archer, said: “Last night he spent 30 minutes rubbing my left flap. I just got myself off after.”

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The 2010s: Why they will be the worst decade next

THE current condemnation of the ‘noughties’ will be nothing compared to the kicking the 2010s are in for when their time comes. Here’s why:

Brexit

The 00s protested against the Iraq war. The 10s decided f**k any form of caution, opened the door separating its worst instincts from its conscious decisions, and let its xenophobia out to play. An entire nation turned on itself in vicious infighting that elected Boris Johnson, all for the right to hate foreigners. That’s worse than the rise of Nuts magazine by some distance.

Trump

At least Brexit was a single prejudice. Over in America, in an attempt to balance the scales after electing a black liberal-ish president, they put an equal-opportunity bigoted moron spouting obvious bullshit in office. ‘Who could be a worse president than George W Bush?’ the 00s asked, and their question was answered.

Fun hatred on your phone

The decade when everyone got a smartphone was the decade when hate came to your pocket. On the bus? Bored at home? On your toilet break at work? Why not join in a massive pile-on against somebody you’d never heard of yesterday but now you can’t stop attacking until they lose their job? It’s even more fun than Snake on the Nokia!

Transphobia

Apart from the occasional mention of Thai ladyboys – thanks, Bridget Jones 2 – you’d struggle to find transphobia in the 00s, but then it blew up. By 2020 it was the hot new bigotry with tens of thousands of vicious proponents and millions more keeping very, very quiet in case they accidentally said something that was fine in 2011 and Nazi propaganda now.

Dick pics

If a man wanted to a woman to see his penis in the 00s, he had to do it the old-fashioned way: pull it out and waggle it. Not so in the decade following, where dating apps and AirDrop mean flashers can send a thousand cocks an hour, each as unwelcome as the last. This is not better than when a woman could get through 10 years seeing six dicks.

2016

And there was 2016, the Brexit/Trump year and the year that sadly told you that every celebrity you had ever loved had gone to live on a farm far away. Whether Muhammed Ali or Kenny Baker, Caroline Aherne or George Michael, David Bowie or Carrie Fisher, we lost the lot. We lost Victoria Wood and Prince in a single bloody weekend.

Next: The 2020s, a decade which began with a pandemic and global lockdown and went downhill from there.

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