Couple affronted by idea of scheduling sex never f**k

A COUPLE who thinks scheduling lovemaking is shamefully bureaucratic never, ever have sex, it has emerged. 

Long-term partners Steve Malley and Joanna Kramer are appalled at the idea of setting dates for their intimate relations days or even weeks in advance, calling it unromantic and embarrassing.

Joanna explained, “Sex is a heat-of-the-moment thing. It’s not something you organise in advance based on when you’re both free and won’t be too knackered. I mean, where’s the romance in that?”

“I have mates that have nights set aside for it and, for me, that completely kills the spontaneity. I told Tom at the beginning of our relationship that we’d never become one of those couples.”

Steve said: “I would agree with that if we ever had impromptu sex, but we don’t.

“In the early days it seemed mad that we’d ever have to organise it because we were banging non-stop. But it’s been months, so saying ‘Let’s have sex next Tuesday evening’ now seems better to me than never doing it at all.

“But if I say that Joanna will be pissed off and we might have to have a talk about our relationship. So I’ll keep spontaneously wanking in the shower.”

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Boss being on holiday better than taking one yourself

THE absence of a boss at work is more of a holiday than being on holiday, workers have confirmed. 

Employees have agreed that when their superior takes a fortnight off they feel just as relaxed, carefree and restored as if they were spending 14 days in Bermuda themselves.

Marketing executive Donna Sheridan said: “I arrived in the office this morning to an atmosphere of chilled-out relaxation. Everyone was smiling. Nobody was working.

“Nobody was peering over our shoulders. Nobody was calling meetings just to hear themselves talk. Nobody was forwarding random emails with ‘concern?? report end of day pls.’ It’s better than dipping your toes into the clear Aegean by far.”

Co-worker Martin Bishop agreed: “Real holidays are stressful. You have to buy tickets and insurance and Euros, and the family’s there giving you earache.

“But when the boss f**ks off I get to doss around on the internet for a week on company time. If Thomas Cook offered this I’d book it every year.”

Boss Roy Hobbs said: “I had a brilliant cost-saving revelation while I was away. You’re all fired.”