Couple embark on series of awkward sexual acts to rediscover 'spark'

A COUPLE are trying out a series of demanding and humiliating sexual scenarios in a bid to save their floundering marriage.

The pair began with some role play which didn’t go to plan after Joseph Turner asked wife Emma who she would like him to pretend to be when they made love and she replied ‘Literally anyone else’.

Emma Turner said: “Once he’d stopped crying we did give it a bash, but he looked pathetic trying to be Jeremy Paxman. It was like being clumsily seduced by an X-rated Mr Bean.

Then we got a karma sutra, but you’d need to have been doing yoga for decades to pull off those moves, especially if you’re both 49-years old with chronic lower back pain. We nearly ended up in A&E.

“Our final attempt was sex toys. Unfortunately Joseph barely knows what to do with his own penis, let alone a giant one made of rubber, so we called it a night and caught up on Eastenders instead.”

Joseph Turner added: “Our marriage counsellor told us it was time we either separated, or tried to rediscover how to love one another.

“We’re going with the latter. It turns out getting divorced is incredibly expensive.”

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Man realises he has paid Netflix £300 just to watch Star Trek

A MAN has realised his Netflix subscription has been spent entirely on watching old episodes of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Martin Bishop hoped the streaming service would give him the opportunity to watch something fresh and exciting, but four years in he has only used it to watch episodes of his favourite sci-fi series that he has seen many times before.

Bishop said: “I log into Netflix convinced I’m going to embark on a binge of some fiercely intelligent US series that everyone has raved about, or a dark Scandinavian drama set by a lake.

“But the effort of engaging my brain for three minutes so that I can get into a new show soon sends me running back into the familiar, comforting arms of Kirk, Picard and Sulu.

“I could have saved myself £300 just by buying a couple of Star Trek DVD box sets from a charity shop, but I threw out my DVD player in 2018 so what am I going to do?

“Still, at least Star Trek has a plot. If I’d wasted several hundred quid on mindless shite like Car Masters: Rust to Riches, I’d really be worried about myself.”