A COUPLE are trying out a series of demanding and humiliating sexual scenarios in a bid to save their floundering marriage.
The pair began with some role play which didn’t go to plan after Joseph Turner asked wife Emma who she would like him to pretend to be when they made love and she replied ‘Literally anyone else’.
Emma Turner said: “Once he’d stopped crying we did give it a bash, but he looked pathetic trying to be Jeremy Paxman. It was like being clumsily seduced by an X-rated Mr Bean.
Then we got a karma sutra, but you’d need to have been doing yoga for decades to pull off those moves, especially if you’re both 49-years old with chronic lower back pain. We nearly ended up in A&E.
“Our final attempt was sex toys. Unfortunately Joseph barely knows what to do with his own penis, let alone a giant one made of rubber, so we called it a night and caught up on Eastenders instead.”
Joseph Turner added: “Our marriage counsellor told us it was time we either separated, or tried to rediscover how to love one another.
“We’re going with the latter. It turns out getting divorced is incredibly expensive.”