The Brexiter's guide to suddenly being furious about what you voted for

ANNOYED there’s a shortage of fresh produce in the supermarket, despite being warned about it when you voted Leave? Brexiter Roy Hobbs explains his confused anger. 

No one said there’d be problems

Okay, a bunch of Remoaners, academics and trade experts did say there’d be serious problems. But I prefer laughing about what a bunch of cowardly wankers the French are in the pub. Everyone’s opinion is equally valid.

Where the f**k are the apples? 

I love a nice apple. Sweet, tasty and good for you. But there weren’t any in Morrisons today. Rather than accept any responsibility for it myself, I can only conclude that the EU is carrying out an ‘apple blockade’ against us, like the U-boats in World War 2.

I’m not a racist

I don’t like foreigners but that’s because I have legitimate concerns about how young white people can get a job in the local balti house when it’s all stitched up by Asians. I’ll still be getting a chicken pasanda. It’s delicious, so I can’t be a racist.

It’s just Covid

Brexit is probably going really well, and the fact that my nephew’s import business is going under is just the result of this virus. Bloody Covid, although as a Brexiter I’m sceptical that the virus exists and reckon it’s just a way for woke Marxist elitists to make us all stay at home, for some unspecified reason.

Everyone needed to get behind Brexit

The Remainers/traitors sabotaged Brexit by not supporting it 100 per cent. I made the personal sacrifice of walking five minutes to the polling station and back again then forgetting about it. Someone else should have sorted it all out while I was watching Strictly and eating a ready meal.

Where’s my sovereignty?

Much as I love Nigel Farage – a fantastic, straight-talking guy with high moral principles – I’m a bit disappointed that my sovereignty hasn’t arrived yet. I’m not sure what sovereignty is, but I assumed it would be a medal or collectable coin.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Gangnam Style: Five things Sky Brown is too young to remember that will depress you

IS 13-year-old Olympic skateboarder Sky Brown making you feel like a withered old husk? It won’t help that she has no memory of these landmark events.

Gangnam Style

Psy’s sonic abomination and its accompanying dance captured the public’s imagination in 2012, and will stay with us until our dying day whether we like it or not. Sky Brown was only four years old at the time though so won’t even dimly recall it. She was probably training to win a bronze medal in nine years.

Economic prosperity

Having been born in 2008, Sky Brown won’t be able to remember a time when the financial market wasn’t on its arse and houses were remotely affordable for first time buyers. To be fair to her though, a booming economy where non-billionaires have cash to splash is hard to imagine for most people in their 20s and 30s too.

Cat bin lady

Everyone can remember what they were doing when they saw the viral video of a lady dumping a cat in a wheelie bin. It was our generation’s JFK moment. Sky Brown was two at the time, so the footage probably looks laughably old fashioned to her. Maybe you could have been a sporting legend if you didn’t waste your time on YouTube.

Ed Miliband eating a bacon sandwich

Sure, Sky Brown was six at the time, but how much can you remember from when you were that age? It’s unlikely you can recall something like a political gaffe which doomed the country but seems laughably trivial in retrospect. At a push you’ve got hazy recollections of a crap birthday party where you took the games far too seriously.

London 2012

This must hurt for all those young athletes who were inspired to get into sport after watching the London 2012 games but haven’t yet won a medal. Meanwhile Sky Brown would struggle to think back to that time because she was still in nursery school. As if that wasn’t painful enough, she was beaten by a Japanese skater who’s six weeks younger than her.