ARE you single? Are you wondering why? Here are five exceptionally simple reasons why no one wants to be your significant other.
You are extremely boring
When push comes to shove, no-one wants to listen to you talk about the computer you’ve just built or your collection of needy houseplants. Mostly talking about work or whether to buy a new jacket is pretty dull too. Time to start doing drugs or something cool.
You have no money
Women and men alike don’t appreciate being told that you’re a bit skint this month and will have to pay them back for their own birthday present. Get a third job, loser.
You’re a wanker
Do you ever stop to consider that some of the things you say and do might be off-putting? The next time you ramble on tediously about why certain cars are shit, or angrily explain your views about ‘gypsies’, perhaps take note of whether other people are looking slightly awkward.
You don’t know how to have sex
Sex is more about consideration than being a relentless porn star stud or a sexual acrobat. If you’re really unsure about the whole issue, ask your parents for some tips – they must have done it at least once to make you, and it won’t be awkward at all.
Lockdown has been a tough time for all of us, but have you considered that you haven’t been showering much lately? Don’t be too disheartened, just have a wash once in a while, you human pig.