CAPITAL punishment can seem harsh, but the following non-criminal offences should undoubtedly lead to the death penalty without the need for a trial.
Not thanking a driver who’s let you through
Who the hell do you think you are? Somebody showed you the consideration of pulling aside to let you pass, but a mere lift of the hand in acknowledgement proved too much effort. Get out of your vehicle and into the electric chair.
Getting served ahead of your turn at the bar
There is nothing worse than waiting an eternity for your turn at a crowded bar, and then being spoken over by some prick waiving an American Express card who fails to notice the evil stare you have fixed on them as they order first. If this is you, go and hand yourself in and do not expect to barge another queue again.
Passing wind when accompanied on an elevator
Letting off a smelly one – whether deliberately or accidentally – when crammed up with someone else in an enclosed space is another misdemeanour that definitely merits the death penalty. For an act that leaves some poor soul struggling to breathe, suffocation seems the most appropriate punishment.
Using CAPITALS in messages
Anyone who corresponds in capital letters probably spends too much time on online forums trying to maximise the amount of hate that they spread with a horrible insult by pressing caps lock before typing it. If you are guilty of this, NOW IT’S YOUR TURN TO DIE.