Not thanking a driver who's let you through, and other minor slights that should carry the death penalty

CAPITAL punishment can seem harsh, but the following non-criminal offences should undoubtedly lead to the death penalty without the need for a trial.

Not thanking a driver who’s let you through

Who the hell do you think you are? Somebody showed you the consideration of pulling aside to let you pass, but a mere lift of the hand in acknowledgement proved too much effort. Get out of your vehicle and into the electric chair.

Getting served ahead of your turn at the bar

There is nothing worse than waiting an eternity for your turn at a crowded bar, and then being spoken over by some prick waiving an American Express card who fails to notice the evil stare you have fixed on them as they order first. If this is you, go and hand yourself in and do not expect to barge another queue again.

Passing wind when accompanied on an elevator

Letting off a smelly one – whether deliberately or accidentallywhen crammed up with someone else in an enclosed space is another misdemeanour that definitely merits the death penalty. For an act that leaves some poor soul struggling to breathe, suffocation seems the most appropriate punishment.

Using CAPITALS in messages

Anyone who corresponds in capital letters probably spends too much time on online forums trying to maximise the amount of hate that they spread with a horrible insult by pressing caps lock before typing it. If you are guilty of this, NOW IT’S YOUR TURN TO DIE.

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15 annoying things you will find in every family home

WHEN you have children, it does not take long for your once-tidy house to become chock-full of stuff. Do you recognise these bits of crap that are bloody everywhere?

1. The cupboard of crap. Started as the drawer of crap but the random assortment of stuff that is never sorted out needed larger premises. Give it a few months and it’ll work its way into the spare room. In a year, it’ll have the entire house.

2. The stuff for charity you never get around to taking to the charity shop. Carrier bags full of old clothes, books and games that date back years now reside in the wardrobe, airing cupboard or car boot.

3. The not clean but not dirty clothes pile. Not to be mistaken for the undefeatable pile of dirty laundry, this bad boy is a mountain of washing that is not clean enough for the wardrobe but not dirty enough for the laundry basket.

4. The bag of bags. Rather than face the shame of buying a carrier bag when you forget your bag for life, you buy a reusable one every time you go to the shop. You now have 590 stuffed into an Aldi one, that you are stuck with, for life.

5. The ‘floordrobe’. It is a well-known fact that there is always one person in every household who is incapable of using a wardrobe.

6. The drawer of random wires. You are not even sure what they are for, but you keep this massive bundle of wiry mess ‘just in case’.

7. A pile of empty toilet rolls. There is also always one person in every household who doesn’t know how to put a loo roll on the f**king holder.

8. The ‘art’ pile. Crap the kids made that you feel too guilty to throw away. The only escape is to set your house on fire or hope for a flash flood.

9. The bathroom shelf of toiletries you might use one day. Includes mini hotel toiletries, 10-year-old Sudocrem, half a tube of Anusol and some heavily scented bubble bath your gran bought you.

10. The gift bag bag that keeps on giving. Over the years you have somehow accumulated a massive collection of gift bags that somehow replenishes itself.   

11. The filing sideboard. Unopened bills you don’t want to read but you know you have to read. But not today. Tomorrow, you’ll deal with them tomorrow.

12: The shoe pile. Everything from wellies to sandals from two years ago can be found here. After three hours of searching that is.    

13. The dirty TV. There are always tiny grubby handprints on every surface. The TV, patio doors and every mirror in the house.

14: ALL the bloody socks. Everywhere. Where do they come from? Down the chair, under the table, across the floor. There is no escaping the socks. Yet, you can still never find a matching pair.  

15: Dead foliage. Nothing says ‘I love you’ like your kid handing you a half dead dandelion. Except maybe a stick or a squashed daisy. All of which end up on the kitchen windowsill indefinitely.