Couple having public argument selfishly refuse to provide context

A COUPLE having a loud and furious argument in public have frustratingly refused to give eavesdroppers the proper background. 

Bystanders in Costa Coffee have complained that references including ‘Yeah? Like you bloody did in Dublin?’ and ‘Why don’t you call Liz and tell her all about it?’ are lost because they do not know the backstory.

Susan Traherne said: “Without knowing if this ‘she’ he paid ‘too much for’ is a prostitute or a pet labrador, it’s difficult to get emotionally involved.

“It’s fine to start in the middle to intrigue the audience, but then they refuse to fill in the blanks. ‘Just like your fucking mother’ carries no sting when we don’t know what the mother is like.”

Fellow bystander Stephen Malley agreed: “I’m not a fan of clunky exposition, but I feel they could have found a way to weave it in, instead of saying ‘it’s the worst thing you could have ever done to me’ and refusing to elaborate.

“I mean, some of it was made up in the performance. She was spectacular. I really believed her when she said she wasn’t sorry she keyed his Audi.

“As for the origin of the drama? I guess we’ll never know. And that’s the real tragedy.”

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Office great place to compensate for being unpopular at school, boss believes

A MANAGER feels his office is the ideal environment to make up for being bullied and a failure at school, he has confirmed.

46-year-old Martin Bishop uses his position at a Leek finance business to get the respect he never received as a weak, spotty, untalented child.

Bishop said: “I wasn’t good at sport or one of the brainy kids, but I’ve been here since I was 18 and I’ve got seniority over everyone who was, making this the ideal environment for me to work out my issues.

“Mark in procurement is exactly the kind of lad who never picked me for football. Now I’ve gatecrashed his five-a-side team and I’m mates with his mates and it feels great.

“Whenever Pete who went to Oxford comes in with one of his big ideas about saving money, we sit and chat until he’s realised he’s not so much cleverer than me after all, then we present it to management together and share credit.

“And all the girls have to talk to me here, because I’m the boss. So stick that up your arse, Rachel Wilkes who wouldn’t go out with me in 1996. I bet you’re a big fat cow now.”