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Couple not acknowledging drunken filthy sex they had last night

A COUPLE seem to be pretending they did not get pissed and do outrageously dirty things to each other last night.

After sharing two bottles of red wine, Joshua Hudson and Lauren Hewitt explored the deepest realms of unhygienic intimacy, but this morning it is as if it never happened.

Hudson said: “I’ve seen videos on dodgy porn sites that look tame compared to what we did last night. But now it seems we’re playing it cool.

“When I came downstairs Lauren offered me an orange juice. I gratefully accepted, keen to remove the residual taste in my mouth. But when I told her she looked tired, she said she’d had a restless night and it must be the heat.

“As I watched her eat a yoghurt, disgusting memories swam across my mind. Then we chatted logistics. Who was taking which child to what hobby? Who was best placed to do the big shop? 

“When Lauren‘s foot accidentally touched my leg, she apologised as if I were a work colleague. She wasn’t fussed about entering my personal space last night.

“Then she asked me to book her car into the garage because she’d noticed a ‘service due’ indicator light. I guess the mutual depravity is just something of which we will never speak. What happens in the bedroom, stays in the bedroom.”

Hewitt said: “Did we have sex last night including some stuff many people would flatly refuse to try? I’d completely forgotten about that.”

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Your crypto investment guide, with cryptocurrency understander and tech genius Donald Trump

DONALD Trump has made at least $1 billion from cryptocurrency, it has emerged. So who better to give advice on putting your money into this risky and complex investment?

Launch your own cryptocurrency 

Obviously you can’t make money from crypto in a legitimate way, so set up your own with an ego-boosting name like ‘Trumpcoin’. Was there a ‘Bidencoin’ that rapidly lost 97 per cent of its value and screwed ordinary investors? No. That guy’s a loser.

Attract the stupidest investors in the world 

If you’re an amoral piece of shit selling a product that screams ‘SCAM!’, you’ll need dumb investors. And that’s where MAGA comes in. They’re unlikely to worry about the inherent instability of currency without a central bank when they think Michelle Obama is a man because some dicks on the internet say so.

Get your family involved 

I put my sons Don Jr and Eric in charge of my cryptocurrency. There’s nothing more American than a wholesome family-owned business, and if it turns out to have done a load of illegal stuff and they go to prison, who cares? They’re only your children, so it’s not like you’re close.

Make sure you understand it

Never get involved in crypto without knowing how it works. The last thing you want is for your blockchains to get clogged with too many Bitcoins, which might make liquidity leak everywhere. Luckily there’s no one in the world who understands cryptocurrency like me. Everything is computer.

Learn from actual crimes

Many criminal scams involve taking money on false pretences, like selling products you’ve no intention of sending or persuading someone to buy the Eiffel Tower. If this appeals to you, you should definitely start your own cryptocurrency. It’s totally legal and you don’t even have to set up a crummy website full of suspiciously cheap Xboxes. 

Make sure you’re president 

Your foray into cryptocurrency will be aided by becoming president so that crypto shysters desperately want to start a company with you, and you can lure in more suckers by saying you’ll make America into a ‘crypto superpower’. This sounds like I’m about to tank the US economy with crypto bullshit, but don’t worry, I’ll be fine.

Get out early 

The trick with crypto is to watch it massively increase in value, then get rid of it faster than someone who’s just been handed a warm dog turd. It’s the only way to invest in this totally legitimate currency of the future.

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