Couple on date night can't wait to get home, jump into bed and get on their phones

A COUPLE on date night cannot wait to finish their meal, get home, go straight up to the bedroom and have a good, long phone browsing session. 

Tom Logan and Helen Archer, who have been in a relationship for three years, admitted the anticipation will make the eventual moment when their fingers are all over their touchscreens all the sweeter.

Archer said: “All the way through our creme bruleé I couldn’t think about anything else but what might have been posted on Facebook. And I know he was the same.

“You could have cut the tension in the taxi home with a knife. My hands were trembling.

“We might have been together for a while, but the passion’s still there. We had our phones out before we even got to the bedroom. We didn’t say a word to each other. We didn’t need to.”

Logan said: “We’re not afraid to experiment, either. Sometimes she likes to browse on my iPad and I’ve got no problem with that. Once I brought a laptop to bed.

“But for special occasions obviously we put our devices away, get close, and watch a film on our 55” wall-mounted flatscreen TV.”

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Man disappointed 'self-care' doesn't involve more wanking

A MAN has been disappointed to find that ‘self-care’ does not involve much, or in fact any, masturbation.

Stephen Malley, 28, discovered the lifestyle trend after clicking on a Buzzfeed article by mistake.

He said “I was sceptical because it seemed to blur the lines between a serious appraisal of your mental and physical health and just drinking a hot chocolate in the bath.

“But when I realised it was all just an excuse to be more selfish, but rebranded in a way that seemed cool and enlightened, I thought ‘I’m in’.”

However, Malley soon found self-care to exclude a deeply important part of his life.

He added: “Unfortunately the only wanking it seemed to involve was entirely metaphorical. Taking a yoga selfie – yes; eating flax seeds – yes; intense self-pleasuring – apparently not.

“I’m going to have to keep living in a world where it’s okay to not reply to a text because you’re having a ‘technology detox’ but not because you’re making a mess of yourself.”