Stoner stockpiling Kinder Bueno for no-deal Brexit

A STONER has begun stockpiling the Italian confectionery Kinder Bueno in preparation for a no-deal Brexit.

Tom Logan purchased every available multi-pack in his local supermarket and has stored them securely under his bed next to a bong in the shape of a skull and 30 cans of Rio.

Marijuana enthusiasts are set to be among the hardest hit should Britain be unable to negotiate a deal with the EU. Weekends in Amsterdam will become more expensive, and high-grade Dutch cannabis will be replaced with locally-grown ‘Brexit weed’ from a hot attic in Rutland.

Logan said: “I don’t normally like going to the shops because people are always looking at my eyes. But if May fucks this up the shelves in Tesco Metro are going to be bare apart from digestive biscuits, Marmite and Colman’s mustard.

“Worst case scenario we see hyper-inflation and we’re suddenly paying £1,200 for a Double Decker. I probably would though.”

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Will your social media posts get you fired today?

WE ALL love posting on social media, the data-collection system that has somehow convinced us it is for our benefit. But will your posts eventually cost you your job? Take our quiz: 

Do you post about politics? 
A. Yes, frequently, especially when I’m angry about Brexit, Trump or those bloody roadworks you never see anyone actually working on
B. No, I prefer to keep that kind of thing out of a public forum and just mouth off in private after my fourth glass red wine.

Do you post jokes? 
A. Yes, all my 318 followers enjoy the gifs that encapsulate my wry, sideways take on the world.
B. No, they’re too easily misinterpreted and I don’t want a Twitter mob calling me a ‘fucking Nazi’ and posting my mobile phone number.

Do you post selfies? 
A. Yes, frequently, accompanied with a comment about how hammered I was last night.
B. No, I’m not pathologically self-absorbed and prefer to keep my face and personal details to myself.

Do you post about your job? 
A. Yes, I find social media is the perfect place to bitch about my dreadful colleagues and idiotic customers.
B. No, employers search social media and I quite like having a salary.

Mostly As: If you have not already been fired, you will be fired later today when you post the results of this quiz on Facebook when you should have been working. Because this is what social media does.

Mostly Bs: A routine search by HR finds that you never post any positive statements about your ‘work family’. You will be fired later today for not being a ‘team player’. Because this is what social media does.