Couple renewing vows can f**k off with gift list

ATTENDEES at a vow renewal service say the couple are taking the piss if they expect more presents.

Loved ones of James and Lauren Bates say they are happy the pair want to reaffirm their commitment to each other but they will not be giving them any more free shit.

Friend Emma Bradford said: “I already spunked a hundred quid on a fancy food processor for them at their actual wedding five years ago. Are they going to try and pull this every time they want to revamp their kitchen?

“They only got me a £20 gift card for my wedding and now they’re expecting me to shell out for some crystal tumblers because they’re trying to pretend they haven’t just been through a very rocky patch. I feel like I’m being scammed.

“It’s great that they’ve managed to overcome the challenge of James getting a handjob from a colleague while he was at a conference but it doesn’t mean I’m going to shower them with presents.”

During her speech at the reception, Lauren Bates said: “We’re really glad so many special people were able to join us today to celebrate our love for one another. However, anyone who ignored the gift list will be barred from our ten-year vow renewal.”

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Ten-year-old told he'll get over this whole 'save the planet' phase

A TEN-YEAR-OLD eco-warrior has been told that his concern for the environment is a passing fancy he will grow out of.

Joshua Hudson’s parents have explained that, while well-meaning, his desire to save the planet will eventually give way to the demands of adult life such as being able to drive a car and jetting off on holiday twice a year.

His mum Emma said: “I get it. I used to be heavily into New Kids On The Block when I was Josh’s age but now I realise they were absolutely ridiculous. It’s the same thing.

“By the time he’s in his teens though he’ll discover new things that’ll capture his attention like girls and booze, and all this nonsense about melting glaciers and rising sea levels will become a distant memory.”

Dad Martin added: “The sooner the better. That little shit’s acting like eating a vegan sausage roll from Greggs makes him Greta f**king Thunberg.

“You know what has a massive carbon footprint? Children. But funnily enough he seems to ignore that fact when giving me a condescending lecture about why I should be using a bamboo toothbrush.”

Joshua said: “I wish I could grow out of it, but mum and dad will have long since destroyed the planet and we’ll all be dead by then.”