WANT people to think your relationship is completely perfect and successful? Try telling some of these popular lies.
We never fight
You act like you’re still in the honeymoon period, even though you’ve been together for 12 annoying years, and claim that a cross word has never been said between you. The truth is that one of you always loses their shit when the other puts a spoon in the ‘wrong’ part of the dishwasher and all that’s keeping you together is the expense of a divorce.
You still have sex
You claim that, even after all these years, you’re still enthusiastically shagging the one person in the world you’ve pledged to shag for the rest of your life. The truth is, however, that the last time you willingly saw each other’s genitals was towards the end of the last lockdown. At least you’ve rediscovered the wonders of wanking.
You’re best friends
Most best friends don’t spend their time arguing about whether buying such a big house was f**king stupid or if the cost of the MOT should come out of the joint account when only one of you uses the car. All your other actual friends should be livid that you’re even comparing them to your bellend of a husband.
You never fancy anyone else
You claim that you only have eyes for your one true love, but mostly as a way to cope with your rampant insecurity that they might stray. The truth is you fantasise about everyone from your dentist to the computerised woman who does the announcements on the train, and you’d definitely cheat if you knew you could get away with it.
You maintain a sense of mystery
You tell people that you can’t imagine a day where your partner stops surprising you. And it’s true. They’re constantly finding new and inventive ways to test your patience. Whether it’s wearing the same boxers four days in a row because it saves on washing or performatively farting, they keep you guessing how much more they can annoy you.