We never fight and we still have sex: lies couples tell

WANT people to think your relationship is completely perfect and successful? Try telling some of these popular lies.

We never fight

You act like you’re still in the honeymoon period, even though you’ve been together for 12 annoying years, and claim that a cross word has never been said between you. The truth is that one of you always loses their shit when the other puts a spoon in the ‘wrong’ part of the dishwasher and all that’s keeping you together is the expense of a divorce.

You still have sex

You claim that, even after all these years, you’re still enthusiastically shagging the one person in the world you’ve pledged to shag for the rest of your life. The truth is, however, that the last time you willingly saw each other’s genitals was towards the end of the last lockdown. At least you’ve rediscovered the wonders of wanking.

You’re best friends

Most best friends don’t spend their time arguing about whether buying such a big house was f**king stupid or if the cost of the MOT should come out of the joint account when only one of you uses the car. All your other actual friends should be livid that you’re even comparing them to your bellend of a husband.

You never fancy anyone else

You claim that you only have eyes for your one true love, but mostly as a way to cope with your rampant insecurity that they might stray. The truth is you fantasise about everyone from your dentist to the computerised woman who does the announcements on the train, and you’d definitely cheat if you knew you could get away with it.

You maintain a sense of mystery

You tell people that you can’t imagine a day where your partner stops surprising you. And it’s true. They’re constantly finding new and inventive ways to test your patience. Whether it’s wearing the same boxers four days in a row because it saves on washing or performatively farting, they keep you guessing how much more they can annoy you.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Woman whose windscreen has completely misted up carries on driving

A WOMAN who has zero visibility through her windscreen is going to keep driving anyway, she has confirmed.

Rather than pulling over and de-misting the windows, Emma Bradford has decided to plough on while swearing colourfully and randomly bashing at the buttons on the dashboard.

Bradford said: “It’s not that bad. I can still see about an inch of road at the bottom of the windscreen, so I probably won’t hit anything.

“I’ve done all the usual things, like turning that noisy dial up to its highest setting and pressing all the switches. This one with a picture of a car with an arrow inside must do something, surely?

“And I’ve put the wipers on their most aggressive speed and squirted water on the outside of the windscreen, even though the problem is on the inside.

“However, everything I’ve done has only made it worse, and now I can’t see out of the sides or back either. But it has helped give me a feeling of control, at least.”

She added: “Oh shit, that cement mixer was a bit close. Fine, I’ll stop. As soon as I’m off the motorway.”