Couple trying for nepo baby

A COUPLE have decided to start trying for a baby with sickeningly unfair advantages in life. 

Grace and Joshua Hudson hope to conceive a nepotism child who will have a successful career in a field such as the media or politics where plebs without family connections may as well f**k off.

Grace Hudson said: “We want one of those cute ones who talks about having to work twice as hard to prove themselves when their life is a piece of piss.

“One like Brooklyn Beckham would be good. He really is a talentless shit playing at being a chef. But I’d be perfectly happy with a posh girl columnist called Isabella whose daddy just happens to be editor of the Sunday Times.

“We’re absolutely fine if they struggle with an addiction later in life due to the pressures of having wildly successful parents. They’ll get a book out of it.”

Joshua said: “I worked bloody hard to get where I am today, ie. on the shitty bottom rung of middle-management. I don’t want any son or daughter of mine to be stuck in a meritocracy. 

“I see them more as a preternaturally beautiful model or deeply average actor who works constantly due to having casting directors and producers for godparents. 

“We want to give our child the best possible start in life, which means it absolutely must not be genetically related to us. That’s the tricky bit.”

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You don't see me striking, says man who can't

A MAN is claiming to be morally superior for not taking industrial action, neglecting to mention there is zero chance of his office going on strike. 

Browbeaten administrator Martin Bishop, who has no union representation, has instead turned his frustration on strikers, who he has described as ‘entitled’, ‘pampered’ and ‘fat skivers’.

Bishop said: “Look at them. Causing a fuss with plenty of notice so they can secure a fair wage. You wouldn’t catch me doing something so reckless and selfish. Although mainly because I’d be let go instantly.

“Don’t they know it’s honest, hardworking, tax-paying drones like me who keep this country going while complaining about it constantly? 

“If I were to make a demand as unreasonable as a pay rise in line with inflation there’s a risk I’d have some self-respect. Welcome to the real world.

“Instead I’ll show those workshy layabouts what a proper worker looks like by trudging into the office, resentfully doing my eight hours of thankless graft and being poorly compensated for it. They could learn a thing or two by following my example.

“Of course I’m not jealous of them. I’m the winner here with my pointless, underpaid job. It’s very secure so long as I keep getting treated like dogshit.”