Couple with en-suite bathroom never realised how intimate it would make their shits

A COUPLE in a new home with an en-suite bathroom never knew how intimate they would become with each others’ excretions. 

Tom and Jenny Logan saw the en-suite as a real plus for the home but after just a few weeks are wondering if either of them has any secrets left.

Jenny said: “We’ve been together six years. I thought I knew everything there was to know about Tom. But I’ve been introduced to some sounds that are entirely new.

“Also some powerful odours, and the shower cubicle creaks when put under certain kinds of repetitive strain. Like a big heavy bloke in there with his feet planted apart tugging himself off at 6.30am and waking me up.”

Tom said: “Yeah, I guess I knew Jenny defecated in theory but I’d never been that close to it before. We eat the same meals. So why does it stink like that?

“I can’t look her in the eye any more. Not now I’ve heard those grunts of effort and seen that post-dump flushed face.

“They should put toilets outside at the end of the garden again. I’m writing to my MP.”

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Are you stupid enough to be an anti-mask protestor?

IDIOTS are protesting against the outrageous idea of wearing a face mask during a pandemic. Are you enough of a cretin to join their ranks?

Do you think masks go against your human rights?

A) Of course not. They’re designed to keep people safe, like seat belts and bicycle helmets.

B) They’re the first step on the road to establishing a fascist police state. That’s why I won’t wear one when I pop out to buy the Mail.

You see someone wearing a face mask, how do you feel?

A) Relieved because they’re taking actual precautions rather than relying on ‘common sense’, which the UK public has proved they don’t have.

B) Outraged at their stupidity. If this virus isn’t a hoax, which I suspect it is, the best solution is to rip down 5G towers because they’re designed by foreigners to sprinkle nasty germs on us innocent Brits.

What do you think of the phrase ‘nanny state’?

A) It’s a condescending buzz word used by tabloids to provoke outrage, and it hurts my feelings.

B) There’s no better way to describe our loony left, ‘elf ‘n’ safety gone mad culture. If I want to meet up with a crowd of potentially infected people and come down with a lethal virus, I should be allowed to do so.

What other protests have you been to?

A) I watched the Black Lives Matter protests unfold online and shared some memes about it, does that count?

B) I stormed Parliament Square in a drunken rage because protestors were saying white lives don’t matter. Okay, they didn’t actually say that, but you can tell it’s what they really meant.

Mostly As: Sorry, you’re too much of a limp liberal to be an anti-mask protestor. Spend hours scrolling through furiously angry Facebook groups then try this quiz again.

Mostly Bs: For once you’ve passed a test by being a bit dim. However, your righteous indignation burns so fiercely that you don’t care.