Craziness only attractive in hot women

A FIERY, tempestuous nature, outlandish behaviour and violent mood swings are extremely attractive if you are already a hot woman, research has confirmed.  

Traits including passionate outbursts, disregard for rules and boundaries and wild irresponsibility are incredibly alluring if displayed by women already gorgeous and preferably exotic.

Tom Logan of Swindon said: “I love nothing more than a hot-blooded, feisty woman. What could be more exciting that keeping pace with her impulsive demands?

“Though that intensity and storminess only arouse, I should confirm, in young women with heaving bosoms and long legs. Try that shit if you’re over 45 or over 12 stone and you can piss off.

“Nobody wants the unpredictable thrill of furious arguments one moment and tearing off each others clothes the next with a pasty munter with some kind of growth on her face. Those types need to look after their mental health and treat others considerately.

“My ex keyed ‘wanker’ on my car, told everyone she was my girlfriend after only one date and sent all my friends nude photos of herself with a helmet and gun. She was so unique and fun and zany.

“Of course, she was 22, raven-haired with liquid brown eyes, and had caramel buttocks you could bounce a quid off. Twenty pounds heavier and she’d been a pub anecdote at best.”

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Hip hop middle-aged, fat and knackered

HIP hop is 50, tired, has nothing new to say and makes a little yelping noise when it has to get up out of an armchair, it has emerged. 

Celebrations for hip hop’s 50th birthday are taking place on 6Music, in the Guardian, at Yankee Stadium and in other uncool locations while the genre itself wishes it was at home watching Endeavour repeats.

Hip hop fan Nathan Muir, aged 49, said: “Nas, Ice Cube, Ghostface Killah, Snoop Dogg, Slick Rick; not one of them more than a decade from their pension.

“Hip hop’s putting a brave face on things but it’s f**ked. It has glasses on a chain around its neck which it has to put on to read fire lyrics dissing a sucka MC, then when it takes the glasses off it can’t find its proper glasses which were on the top of its head all along.

“Hennessy gives it heartburn and marijuana gives it a migraine. It mumbles reminisces about 1990s Bad Boy vs Death Row rivalries which are of as little interest as mods vs rockers on Brighton beach.

“Hip hop falls asleep after a big meal. Hip hop winces when mortgage rates go up. Hip hop barks at children not to touch its collection of pristine Adidas Gazelles. Hip hop is old.”

DJ Kool Herc, founder of hip hop, said: “This modern music can’t hold a candle to the old Bronx breakbeats. Eh? Eh?”