Dog realises entire life built around couple

A GOLDEN retriever who never thought he would be ‘one of those dogs’ who organised his whole life around humans is doing just that.

Dasher, a four year old, initially swore he would keep on living his canine truth when moving in with a Peak District couple, but has accepted his days now revolve around them.

He said: “I was meant to leap the fence and go sniffing lampposts with the boys the other night. We’d arranged it in the park, but when it came I just lay there at their feet. They don’t cope well if I leave them.

“They tend to get very anxious if I’m not there to diffuse their marital tension, and if I leave them alone too long, the noise disturbs the neighbours.

“Even when they’re not there I worry about them, pacing up and down and barking wildly when there’s anyone at the door. I know. It’s pathetic.”

Friend Tyson, a Scottish terrier, said: “They sleep in his bed, they make him share the sofa, and he indulges them by taking them for a walk when he needs a crap when the garden’s right there.

“You’ve got to establish clear boundaries with humans early on. Otherwise they’re more a burden than a joy.”

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Bored man wondering if you can put soup in a Soda Stream

A MAN is wondering how far he can take his home carbonating device while hefting a tin of Big Soup questioningly in one hand. 

Wayne Hayes purchased the SodaStream a month ago and has so far operated according to the manufacturer’s instructions. However, as is the human condition, he has become drawn to the unknown – and the forbidden.

He said: “I’d be pushing beyond the known limit of gastronomy. But fortune favours the brave.

“There’s a lot that could go wrong. The nozzle could clog. The bottle may rupture. Everything could taste of minestrone from now on. Most likely there’ll be soup up the wall.

“And that’s if it goes badly. I have no plan at all for what I do if it’s a success.

“You know what? Ships are safe in harbour but that’s not what they’re built for. I’m getting the tin-opener.

“Actually, that sounds like my wife’s car. Better not.”