A PET dog just wishes he could believe that his owner’s leg is as into their regular lovemaking as he is.
Dachshund Bertie, aged four, admitted that he sometimes feels as if his erotic obsession with the right shin of owner Norman is not fully requited, and often they are just going through the motions.
He continued: “Until until recently I thought we had a satisfactory, normal sex life. I furiously pound away, scrabbling for purchase, while Norman swats at me and calls me a ‘little bugger’.
“But sometimes it feels like I’m the only one putting the work in. I get no feedback at all on any sexual level. I’m throwing my whole being into this, body and soul, and it’s there like a piece of wood.
“It’s always available to me, as long as I don’t mind being kicked and told to f**k off which I don’t, but where’s the passion? Where’s the meeting of hearts?
“Perhaps it’s because we can never get a moment to ourselves away from Norman? Maybe I should book us a spa weekend. Maybe then we’d have chance to really find each other.”
Owner Norman Steele said: “That hound is an absolute sex pest. I’ve booked him to get his bollocks off.”