Dog wishes owner's leg would reciprocate more when they hump

A PET dog just wishes he could believe that his owner’s leg is as into their regular lovemaking as he is.

Dachshund Bertie, aged four, admitted that he sometimes feels as if his erotic obsession with the right shin of owner Norman is not fully requited, and often they are just going through the motions.

He continued: “Until until recently I thought we had a satisfactory, normal sex life. I furiously pound away, scrabbling for purchase, while Norman swats at me and calls me a ‘little bugger’.

“But sometimes it feels like I’m the only one putting the work in. I get no feedback at all on any sexual level. I’m throwing my whole being into this, body and soul, and it’s there like a piece of wood.

“It’s always available to me, as long as I don’t mind being kicked and told to f**k off which I don’t, but where’s the passion? Where’s the meeting of hearts?

“Perhaps it’s because we can never get a moment to ourselves away from Norman? Maybe I should book us a spa weekend. Maybe then we’d have chance to really find each other.”

Owner Norman Steele said: “That hound is an absolute sex pest. I’ve booked him to get his bollocks off.”

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Students, families, old people: why every category of humanity is a nightmare neighbour

LIVING in close proximity to anyone, from any age group or walk of life, is an unmitigated disaster. These are the reasons why: 


Young people are barely human. Putting them in a large group, high on their own ability to stay up all night? Unendurable. Inside the house their kitchen’s so filthy it’s breeding new bioweapons. Outside, they’re hosting a spontaneous 200-person rave in their garden on a Tuesday. And all eight of them have f**king cars.


Proud of having hooked a mate for life, two individual wankers join together as an immovable force of selfishness. Trying to work? They’re having a blazing row about her texting her ex. Trying to sleep? They’re having make-up sex against the wall.


Regardless of whether the children were born within wedlock they’re little bastards for a full 18 years, from wailing at 3am to littering your garden with frisbees to holding parties and flicking cigarette butts onto the roof of your extension. And despite it all, their parents imagine you have a friendly relationship and send Christmas cards.

Old people

Once their kids leave home it gets worse. Now the twinkly-eyes old dears spend every waking hour outside making their lawn look better than yours, lodging complaints about the number of minutes you left your wheelie bin outside after it had been collected, and expecting lengthy interactions every time you pass.


It’s also a real bastard to have nobody next door to collect your online shopping, remind you when bin day is, hold a set of keys for when you’ve lost yours pissed at 3am, and call the fire brigade when you fall asleep an hour later with smoke pouring out of the kitchen windows.

A serial killer

Wonderful neighbours by all accounts, keep themselves to themselves, very quiet, friendly when you pass them on the street, you’d never suspect for a moment. Sadly few of us can be so lucky as to hit this next-door jackpot.