WORK is something to get through to get paid, but some dickheads perversely desire recognition from their colleagues. These are the most egregious self-stylings:
Office DJ
All it took was a Bluetooth connection for this guy’s grip on the speaker to become a chokehold. Constantly adding tracks and checking for reactions to his musical journey, he believes himself to be dictating the office mood and rhythm. He’s played the same Keane song three times in an hour.
Team comedian
Maverick morale booster whose idea of a mid-morning zinger is emailing a gif last popular in 2014. If ever given the opportunity will force you to watch an eight-minute supercut of Super Hans from Peep Show. You’ll force laughter until your manager catches and reprimands you.
The quizmaster
Has missed the memo that quizzing’s over now we’ve all got smartphones. Leaps at any opportunity to set a quiz, constantly showing off their knowledge of river lengths, attends pub quizzes most weeknights and will one day drag you along, where you’ll cringe yourself inside-out while they dispute every other answer.
Festivities organiser
Keeps a record of every employee’s birthday. Buys the card a week before so it can be passed around and signed. Goes out at lunchtime to buy the present. Ensures the birthday boy or girl buys a suitable cake. Sends the email asking everyone to gather at the desk for the cake and to sing. Does f**k all work.
Mr Lover Lover
Horny. Wants everyone to know it. Leaps on any opportunity for innuendo. Has not got laid in three years.
The only sane one here
The most insidious of the bunch, this person gets off on endless eye-rolling at all the antics of her wild co-workers. The wacky stuff that happens here! It’s not wacky, Sandra, it’s been a dull ten minutes where someone explained the concept of Naked Attraction to you to kill time.
