Doing a jigsaw, and five other ways to initiate sex

BOUGHT a jigsaw, begun a jigsaw, and found yourself frantically f**king because anything but the bloody jigsaw? Try these other ways to get going: 

Any TV show that’s largely laptop cameras

It can be The One Show, Loose Women or even Lorraine, the jarring unfamiliarity and stilted conversation of a chat show that’s all laptop calls will have you reaching for something reassuringly mundane, like your long-term partner’s cock.

Writing a shopping list

One member of the household venturing into the terrifying outside world, perhaps never to return, means they deserve a real solider’s farewell. Or, also like in wartime, you can trade rare products like eggs and gin-in-a-tin for a quick ride.


Couple without kids both working from home? Looking to put off the end of lunchtime without providing your watchful partner with evidence that you’re slacking off? They can’t complain if you’re boning them, apart from if they’re left doing spreadsheets on the wet patch.

Going to bed not tired

When you’ve done f**k all for days, you got up at 10am and you’re always a little bit pissed, it can be hard to sleep. A quick bang and you’ve done your exercise for the day and you can drift off nicely.

Winning the Zoom pub quiz

Beating all those other dicks, including a bloke called Tony you’re not sure who he’s mates with, is a great way of getting in the mood to shag. Make very sure you have shut Zoom down entirely. Make absolutely sure.

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Man struggling to remember what he did in the before times

AN ACCOUNTANT, web designer or possible technical writer is trying to remember what the job that he used to do five days a week was. 

Wayne Hayes, who was furloughed by ‘a man in a suit’ last month, knows his career used to involved turning on a computer but after that is going completely blank.

He continued: “I know for a fact there was an office I used to go to, but after that I’m hazy. There was a ping pong table but I don’t think that was my job.

“It feels important to remember because it’s Monday, even though I was up playing Skyrim until 3am last night which isn’t what I used to do on a Sunday night. Probably.

“God, I remember being shouted at by someone and then shouting at someone myself, all about a… annual report? Or was it an SEO campaign? Or a contract? It’s just… gone.”

Holding up a pair of football boots, Hayes continued: “I also have these special shoes and for some reason I think they’re to do with a man called Lee and Thursday nights.”