BOUGHT a jigsaw, begun a jigsaw, and found yourself frantically f**king because anything but the bloody jigsaw? Try these other ways to get going:
Any TV show that’s largely laptop cameras
It can be The One Show, Loose Women or even Lorraine, the jarring unfamiliarity and stilted conversation of a chat show that’s all laptop calls will have you reaching for something reassuringly mundane, like your long-term partner’s cock.
Writing a shopping list
One member of the household venturing into the terrifying outside world, perhaps never to return, means they deserve a real solider’s farewell. Or, also like in wartime, you can trade rare products like eggs and gin-in-a-tin for a quick ride.
Lunchtime
Couple without kids both working from home? Looking to put off the end of lunchtime without providing your watchful partner with evidence that you’re slacking off? They can’t complain if you’re boning them, apart from if they’re left doing spreadsheets on the wet patch.
Going to bed not tired
When you’ve done f**k all for days, you got up at 10am and you’re always a little bit pissed, it can be hard to sleep. A quick bang and you’ve done your exercise for the day and you can drift off nicely.
Winning the Zoom pub quiz
Beating all those other dicks, including a bloke called Tony you’re not sure who he’s mates with, is a great way of getting in the mood to shag. Make very sure you have shut Zoom down entirely. Make absolutely sure.
